Thursday, April 16, 2009
{ 9:39 AM }
Rain.
EL COMPO 7th April '09.
the one i said i would post.
I watch you intensely, you form from nowhere, magically created out of the empty vacuum we label air and sky. They say you are water vapour, condensed and heavy, pulled down, as all things must be, by gravity - your invisible chain that ties you to the ground without any hope of return to your former freedom, as it so obviously seems.
My attempts to mimic your beautiful dance, your fall from grace, succeed, yet I fall short of your glorious standard. You push all blame to the ground and try to punish it, slapping it tightly out of rage the moment you see its face - the torturous monstrosity that chained you down.
May i drench myself in your sheltering mask, that my rendition of your music may be covered in your constant pulse that soaks me, and hides the reality that is shunned.
You see, both you and I agree on this point, society sees only what it wants. You are a sign of prevailing danger, of a storm, an oncoming trial and time of danger. At the sight of you, we hide within glorified shelters we erect for ourselves, our "territories". We refuse to step into your presence and embrace your magnificent beauty, your fine art and wondrous melody. That's what we are, cowards. This is a manifestation of our attitudes, a glimpse of our true selves, wimps.
So today, may I step out in pure courage and faith, embracing you as an innocent child does his dear mother, hugging her tight at her knees in affection. I wish to wait out for you as you paint violently on your enormous earthly canvas, anticipating the marvelous artpiece that results. Your composition that may appear rash and senseless at its writing, whose messiness evolves into its calm beauty - white light split into amazing seven.
In hope I walk in you and look forward, and my heart pounds wildly to your repetitive, clear thumps, like a dancer to a latino pop beat.
I shall wait with you and fight this Trojan war, my Roman helmet tightly securing me and my sword raised to the enemy. Let us fight bravely for the prize that all may want but few are given - a new chance at reality, a new day, a new face. After this tribulation that drops inevitably on our shoulders, we wait to rise back to the heavens, free from the burdens that weighed us to the ground. To freedom.
-----
when i was writing this, my mind was thinking of Christ, and of trials.
it is said in the bible and by many - a common established truth, that trials are strengthenings of character, so Christ is the end all and be all, the ultimate goal. He is the masterpiece created at the end, or in fact... perhaps salvation is the masterpiece, and He is part of the harsh, messy, senseless composition - Calvary.
Half of me was also thinking of the rain as a mask, a mask to the truth, reality - in the sense that... you know the emo phrase, "I cry in the rain because it hides my tears"?
yeah.. now i think about it... we can walk in God for he doesn't hide our "tears", but solves them and gives comfort. He wipes them off and exchanges them.
you know that Good Friday it rained, the first time my friend told me about it always raining at 12noon Jerusalem time (4pm sing.), i wanted to catch the rain, and walk in it.
I wanted to soak in it. Drench myself.
Someday i will.
maybe next year i shall set it aside, and next years will be a lot more focused. on Him.
I am falling to my knees,
I need You, Lord, to breathe in me,
my prayer is still the same,
my heart is calling out Your name.
Labels: here in your presence i am free., rain down on me
Thursday, April 9, 2009
{ 6:58 AM }
well, life sucks. that's why I give mine to Christ. so He can make it awesome:D <3
the one word on my mind today: Grudges.
it's sucky. don't you just hate being judged? i know i do.
but then again, i do judge others as well.. hmm..
ah, but i tend to try to look at the bright side. for one, i found mrs ng in sec 1 philo very engaging, and the best teacher in the whole of MG.
which is why i fear when ms cheng leaves... oh no, that philo in mg would die again.
the best most awesome subject in the entire schedule, GONEEEE :(
i hope we get mrs ng. {kill me, i'm sadistic, but it's true, she's good :D probably the only one (other than ms cheng) in MG who can teach philo. properly.}
on another note, it appears my writing style is poetic prose.
similar to the form of ray bradbury in Fahrenheit 451, i noted.
hmmm... (: sounds good.
lahdilahh, i did a personification of rain. i talked about how i was being sad, and that it was coincidentally raining.. and about holding through the storm to appreciate the beautiful rainbow that would form after.. (:
i shall put it up if i deem it worthy (:
actually, it was pretty much inspired by.. God. i guess, for me it was a reflection of trials in life. the rainbow preceding the violent composition of music. henceforth, i do mean of holding through with God in heart and looking forward, forgetting what's behind.
lahdilahh, i'll put it up (:
i like it.
then again, something else that has been bothering me today?
the beginning of the first paragraph of this post.
i for one hate being judged. :( it's a sad reality, sometimes it makes me wish i was a robot. which would eliminate emotions. and not only secure my indifference, but also my studies, for then i would need less rest, i'd just have to plug myself in and keep working through the night, burning the midnight oil.
it pretty much ties in with this morning's devotions, about how God is erasing every sin we do for those in Christ Jesus, for those who have entrusted Him with their lives, and love Him.
there's this chapter in John that keeps emphasizing, "If you love me, obey my commandments"
then there's this part in one of the later books of the new testament that has this verse about... (JAMES! yes!) "faith without works is dead" something like that.
I guess, faith, hope and love (as mentioned in 1 Cor?) do stand through everything.
as this year's Fusion theme went, we love our God (:
and I guess everyone's pointing it out to me, everywhere, love is all that matters.
and God is love. which is why i believe, if Christ is put first out of your love for Him, everything else will fall into place..
I look around me in my own methodist school, and i wonder how many truly love God.. maybe they once did, but we're all brought up in Christian families, sometimes Christianity becomes too much a religion than a relationship. I wonder, why pursue the creation, instead of the Creator? why pursue the theology (His theories), instead of the Origin (Him.)?
one of my friends, she used to seem so close to God to me, in fact, she seemed the most close to Him in my class to me at one point... and now, i wonder if she ever was. has she bought into the worldly glory of knowledge of God, than the godly love of Christ?
even my nonChristian friend can see right through her.
it's a sad reality,
and i'm reminded, we are only human.
anyway, back to the point on grudges..
hmm.. letsee, well i put it that because of our human nature - our natural "aptitude" for pride, or vanity, for both sometimes, sometimes, well maybe usually, couple each other - when we judge, we seek to put ourselves, or see ourselves as better than someone else.
i for one feel that i have been forgiven for the tiny slip of mind, to which i had no ill intentions, yet i am still looked upon as "rash, impulsive, stupid, immature". all because of one word.
and i am judged for being concerned for the welfare of my subject (i am the rep. hello.) in the hands of someone i may not trust - if we don't get mrs ng, i tell you i will... wallow in devastation and despair - and appear, still immature, as, what they call, testing the depth of the ocean. how low i can scuba dive until i run into a shark. or how deep in i can swim to search for that hidden temple beneath the waters, only to find it booby trapped throughout, and run out before my death, slashing my thigh with a knife and hitching a ride on a shark to civilization. (anyone watch tomb raider? :D heheh <3
then again, why do i care?
i should be seeking the praise of Him above, than worldly praise.
it's a verse in John. (near the front, a prophecy about "their hearts were hardened so they cannot let me heal them" and something like for those who did listen, some "desired human praise" more and hence turned away)
yes yes. ahh i see the loophole in my personality.
being human sucks. it comes with a sinful nature. and a prideful one in fact.
yet in Christ, my sinful nature has passed away, and i have gained new life.
for my sinful nature died on the cross and i have risen anew with Christ.
this is in Romans.
I link back again to love.
for from what we have learnt in wesley, grace + faith = salvation and good works,
may i suggest that it's not enough to just say you have faith and have that result in good works as a natural compulsion.
everyone says that faith is proclaiming the Lordship of Christ, and believing it in your heart
but may i suggest that faith also comprises a deep love for God. for if you love someone, surely you will do something for them.
just like how my mother loves me so much, she sometimes gets too concerned for me, but that's her way of expressing it, i guess.
the word "faith" comes from fides in latin, confidence, belief.
it means to have complete trust and confidence in ___ (someone/thing)___
so to have complete trust, or rather, in order for me to trust God with all my heart, soul and life - my goals, my ambitions, my desires, my plans - i have to love Him completely. is this not true? for why should i surrender to Him if i don't love Him?
and as we learn at wesley, surrender, in general, can be classified into 4 different aspects we should surrender, just like the few verses in phillipians about Christ surrendering those aspects for ... i shall go look it up, and post about it.
so yes, the four aspects to be surrendered: 1. my judgements (in exchange for His POV), 2. my ambitions (for His will) 3. my rights (for His righteousness) 4. my reputation (for His glory)
so by surrendering these, i guess my issues have been resolved.
1. my hatred for human judgement - for which i exchange for God's POV
2. my uncertainty of being in the SG edu sys - thanks to eunice, jon and ben for the advice (:
i guess, there is also this verse in Luke about, to whom much is given, much is expected?
and i guess i'll just have to do my best, rely on His strength, to pull through this crapload of the education system.. and glorify Him.
3. may His glory shine through me, i guess i have to give up on some worldly rights in order to shine His light even brighter..
4. you know the songs, All Day by Hillsong United and Running After You by... this i am unsure, right now i think it's Planetshakers..
yes, anyway,
"I don't care what they say about me, it's alright, it's alright,
I don't care what they think about me, it's alright, they'll get it one day.
Coz I love You, I'll follow You, You are my, my life.
I will read my bible and pray, and I will follow You all day."
"Your Word is a light unto my path,
Your love guides me through my darkest night,
and even though sometimes Your ways i cannot understand,
i'll never walk away because my future's in Your hands.
I don't care what people will say,
I'm running after You,
I won't turn back and go their way,
I'm running after You."
<3
Glory to God in the Highest,
Power and strength to Your name,
Heaven and earth will proclaim You Lord of all,
Blessed be Your name.
Labels: I guess I just like people who are genuine, please just say it to my face.
