Monday, May 18, 2009
{ 7:40 AM }
and all you can see is
i feel horrible.
miserable. even.
maybe i reap what i sow.
or i just go with the flow - of what i screwed over.
i sound cheesy and in a corny way, i'm rhyming.
like whutthepong?
Brace myself and let go,
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don’t love you
They just love the hotel suites, now
I don’t care what you think
As long as it’s about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Labels: if you analyzed all i encompass you'd finally understand. but you wouldn't give a shit anyway
Sunday, May 17, 2009
{ 6:04 AM }
dependence.
i have come to the conclusion that i am or have been jaded. with the help of some discernment from a fellow bukit timah-er :D hahah . yes. i am not tired physically.
mentally.
what lex said was right. i think too much. hahah! very bad tendency i have cultivated in myself.
as with the world, i depend on myself. it's called "self-sufficiency".
in the eyes of the world it is not simply just and right, but something to be of honour.
but, depend on your own strength and you screw over.
i have to look up.
stop thinking.
stop tiring myself out mentally.
depend.
Labels: boosh.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
{ 5:31 AM }
and i will be complete in You.
how can i keep from shouting Your praise,
i know i'm loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing.
why are there so many songs about You and I?
what about we? or us? or they?
most Christian songs, i mean.
why You fill me, and not You fill us?
i guess because it would make our words less meaningful, because it would be just like saying the pledge, or singing a nation's anthem - hardly anyone really means it.
yesterday had been really up and down for me,
i sat here, thinking of how He has blessed me, and how is really is here for me, like in Exodus, the way Caleb had expressed it - that He will see me through. will. for He is with "us"
wow. (:
lately i've been thinking, about some recent issues that stir this up in me,
that there is so much proof for the faith.
not just faith.
intelligent design and the "unending" questioning of man for the "meaning of life" points to Him.
the fact that none can fulfill but our Christ, our Lord, implies that each of us is made with a hole that only God can fill. that's why people always go "i feel so empty."
it's something we repeat over and over, but we don't do anything about.
again, the trend, talk > walk.
i guess it's just the way we are, you know.
without Him, we are nothing. - this is my ultimate favourite phrase, and my ultimate motto.
that He is my everything.
today i went for this seminar at hc about rights
and he said that rights, as in political rights, the laws and acts concerning rights were political tools to ensure that every man is treated fairly and just. that everyone is at least protected and given their basic right - to live, to have shelter, to consume (f&b-wise)
and he basically said that political rights came about because of religious wars, i.e. crusades, etc. but he kept saying it was because of religion. (he was talking of 16th-18th century western era)
it was because of religion that rights have to be established?
i beg to differ.
i believe it is because of "religious" wars that rights have been established. note: wars. w.a.r.s. focus is on that word.
whether Christianity is just a name or a behaviour is the question. whether a Muslim is "legally" a "Muslim" and actually practices Islam is a different story. same for Buddhism, and any other religion out there.
to me, the "religious" wars were proof. living proof of human nature.
that humanity chooses to focus more on it's pride, than on God.
say for the crusades and the seperation of the Catholics and Protestants, all are under the same God, and does it say in the new testament to go out and kill those against your "religion"? does it say to kill fellow Christians because they don't follow your laws? note : your. laws. your.
no, it says to love. it says to even love the one who persecutes you and say a prayer for them.
it says in John 14 even. i think it's 14. either that or 15. that 'by your love for each other, all the world should know that you are my disciples'. love.
so are these people really Christians? or are they pharisees using the name for glorification of their own laws and beliefs based on human logic and reasoning?
the question is rhetoric, the answer, obvious.
so don't tell me you don't want to be a Christians because they are farce. and hypocritical.
i say the wars were proof of the fact that humanity is fallen. all have sinned. humanity is flawed. and hence point to the need for a Saviour. that is The Christ.
without Him, we are all nothing but, dare i say, farce.
there is no meaning to this existence if He is out of the picture.
humanity can glorify itself for all it cares. too bad. (did you know, it is said in Romans 1 something about God tearing down human wisdom and showing itself how flawed it is? quite cool. i liked that.) you can work to be the --est in whatever you want, but what are you doing it for?
nothing. you're gonna "die" -in body- anyway.
which is why, Ιησούς είναι κύριοσ/Iesu Dominus (Jesus is The Lord). (Iēsous estin Kyrios - mentioned in that same paul washer sermon. the jews/christians said it to the roman soldiers who demanded allegiance to caesar.)
it reminds me of this Paul Washer sermon i found so very true. it was on evangelism
that humanity is centred on relativism (the belief that everything is relative), humanism (the glorification and uplifting of man on his own pedestal through technology and science, aka "logic"/intelligence) and pluralism (the belief that everything is right in its own sense)
that it is by the Spirit of God that a man is converted. not by human logic.
faith > reason.
another concept to keep track of.
Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice--my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord.
Your love that never ends
Restores me again
So I lift my eyes to you Lord
And by faith, I will walk on, Lord
Then I`ll see beyond my calvary one day,
And I will be complete in..
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again
So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears.
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And I pray I will hold on, Lord
Then I`ll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in
I will be complete in
I will be complete in You
Labels: Jesus is the Lord, Ιησούς είναι κύριοσ
Monday, May 11, 2009
{ 6:52 AM }
fill my life again.
status: unwilling, slacking, confused, and apathetic. all at once. a quarter motivated.
current prevalent thought(s):
"heheh. gonna grow bangs like keira knightley's in that really really old glamour issue when i used to read mags"
"meh. 70% of my grade is in sem 2, my term 2 has been screwed up (by syf) already. so should i even try?"
" 'three little birds, sat on my window, and they told me i didn't need to worry.' - i wish."
i am going to fail chinese tomorrow. i so know it.
we have to write some stupid bao dao.
i'm feeling so... caught up in the education system and dying to get out. i hate school. not because of the fact that i have to learn. but because of the lost meaning behind education. it's gone. and they're not doing anything about it.
education now is all about becoming the best in the world. not just the best that you can be.
yes, their speech differs, but they're lying. too bad. suck it up or emo in the corner with a spoon.
HAHAHAHAH.
what dry humour i have.
i choose the former. but my thoughts are on freedom.
freedom from overly OCD-ish structure.
freedom to learn on my own, and of my own preference, at a faster, better pace, where learning ≠ marks ≠ memorization ≠ something to get you to your future job, but where learning actually means something, and holds significance.
right here, right now (yes, HSM. o.o), not only in singapore, but in the world, learning = education = to develop well-informed, global citizens responsible to everyone else.
global. citizens.
global.
worldly.
i.e. into the world, into everything the world stands for.
where people chase after "youthful desires" (i.e. fame, fortune, reputation, glory, wealth, standing, "beauty", etc.)
where everything has become as secular as possible.
secular.
if we're not for Him, we're against Him.
choose.
so how is one to overcome this. man.
-and then i dream on.-
i dream of simplicity.
of not having to conform.
of retreating, and hiding out somewhere.
for me it's been the woods.
that is now officially the place i want to be.
that set in twilight was so tempting - in a good way. how to explain?
a good place to reflect, to be away.
away from it all.
a good place to ... how to say, come in.
ulu beaches are nice too.
i'd grab a dslr (if i had one) and take nice, gorgeous shots of the scenery in angles hardly seen.
i'd chill, pray, commune. all in His presence and His presence alone.
-wishes of escape-
i'm avoiding facebook. apparently, i have restrictions. oh well.
another quota to abide by.
screw worldly education.
we're not the robots who want to serve the world anymore.
go away.
hello, freedom.
in 9 school days, i will officially be free of a classroom, and free to learn my latin, and free to go to ulu parks in the morning, and free to do all the things i can't during the school term. like read my political philosophy book, and my fascist ideology, and my cultural history of europe.
mmmmmm.
oh, and sleep.
sleep.
i need sleep.
YES and i knowww i'm supposed to live FOR God, but if living for God conprises conforming to worldly ideals, i'm very much lost.
if living for God and glorifying Him through my results, means my putting to heart and conforming to becoming a citizen for the world, i don't want it.
i want to be educated, yes, but not to be a worldly, "global" citizen that holds accountability to everyone else, but to be a testimony for God.
and i guess, if i don't glorify Him through my results, then how am i to be one?
then it conflicts.
so, am i to overcome?
how so. tough, complicated, and micro-spective.
oh, great.
What i think of (now) when i listen to On
"look up the stars are fading, and i am still here waiting, to see you again, i miss you my friend": the stars - time, the good times. my friend - freedom.
"look out across the water, faces of lonely daughters and mothers who care, but just can't be there.": the water - reflection of society. can't be there - can't relate. well they can, but it's talk/thoughts > walk/action, maybe? i feel you, man.
"so i'm following the road to where you are, the streetlights, they will guide me to the stars.": the road to where you are - the Road to where You are. the streetlights - Your signs. the stars - the Heaven(s)
"i'll meet you tonight on top of the world, as real as it seems, you're only in my dreams.": you - freedom.
(WE = the decoy robots. ie.conformists who try so hard. yes, i may be one. i'm torn.)
"when our time is up, when our lives are done, will we say we've had our fun?" - highly unlikely to have.
"will we make a mark this time?" - probably not.
"will we always say we tried" - yeah. duh. who won't?
Labels: (satan's) hell or (God's) glory. i don't want anything in between
Saturday, May 9, 2009
{ 9:44 AM }
booosh.
yesh so i'm getting up in about 5h from now, and i still have not completed much this weekend.
it's supposed to be "long". oh i wish.
ayyyyy i need to remember/do:
sunglasses
billboards
email
work work work
actually studyyyyy
ehmmmm lots of other things
oh, that and stop posting to do lists on my blog.
like o.o
anyways, so i read revelations again.
this time, the only thing i'm scared of is... the state of the world in that period.
i'm scared to imagine how cruel it'd be
like F451 except x100000000000000000000
humanity can never imagine.
okay i should finish the xt info pack first, then come back and post.
---
ooh crud now i have to finish editting the ppt.
oh and the billboards.
i have to "get up" in 3h. x.x yinyang i'm depending on you!
HAHAHAH.
---
alright. fine. i won't do a proper post tonight.
i'm so irritated.
still required to sit through formality after formality even with the knowledge of my busy schedule.
2h 30min of sleep? :/
nights guys.
(:
Sunday, May 3, 2009
{ 6:28 AM }
and i quote my father, "Stalin? Why? He's a useless bugger."
bondages.
familial.
status currently: pissed off and struggling.
during small group, we were again reminded of qt, maybe it was a wake up call to me?
something i should do, daily qt in the morning, not just before i sleep.
but then again, which crazy education system wakes their kids up at 6-ruddy-am in the inane (pre)morning?
oh wait, sounds like us, yeah, us.
yet we all subscribe to it.
i know, i've established that God put me here for a reason, but He never said it would be easy.
oh, don't we wish we could slap Adam with a fish right now. and Eve for that matter of fact.
mmmm, yummy gigantic salmons
yi ju liang de >:D
hahah
the wishful thoughts of a procrastinating potato.
always wishful, never to fulfill.
then again, it's how i see it right?
Singaporean culture has its pros and cons.
i guess it's just how He wants me to grow.
"refinement."
just this morning, everything seemed fine, awesome even.
worship was a total surrender
then we think,
how many of us can actually stay true to what we declare?
it's stupid.
everyone talks about this same topic and here i am, affirming its genuineness
the fact that talk and walk are separate, and we're supposed to walk > talk.
stupid right.
that's why theory is so different from action.
you can plan all day and say there's a theory behind everything, but when emotions are involved are you going to act on what you've planned out in your theory?
when circumstances change, and people react differently from your theory, your robotic flaws are displayed.
our culture wants robots, it's so obvious, and i'm not the first to declare this.
it's an established fact.
but maybe that's the big flaw.
do we want Fahrenheit 451-esque robots who end up not even knowing they're depressed on the inside and so numb to violence and absorption (mental)?
seems that's the way we're headed
maybe that's why we're supposed to have a second coming.
'scuse me, Second Coming.
coz we rely so much on "humanity" ("oh glorious humanity") and glorify it so much
we forget that we fail; we fail to live out what we desire because our desires are filthy.
then again, Romans (the book luh.). remember Romans.
how many people actually believe His Word?
our social circles are filled with people who we think do,
but see, we probably know 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of mankind.
so what if your facebook says you know 600 people? (this for someone who keeps telling me his social circle is bigger than mine - so what?)
It's coming.
He's coming.
and we can only wait.
in the mean time, i shall try... heck wait, when i say i shall try, i'm relying on myself.
when i'm supposed to rely on Him.
even our linguistic phrases are based on humanism. how awesome.
so no, adam khoo, i will not do my best.
i will not even try.
i will depend.
depend on who? i think we all know.
-------
This is my prayer in the desert
when all that's within me feels dry
this is my prayer in my hunger and need
my God is the God who provides
this is my prayer in the fire
in weakness or trial or pain
there is a faith proved of more worth than gold
so refine me Lord through the flame
and i will bring praise
i will bring praise
no weapon formed against me shall remain
i will rejoice
i will declare
God is my victory and He is here
this is my prayer in the battle
when triumph is still on its way
i am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
so firm on His promise i'll stand
i will bring praise
i will bring praise
no weapon formed against me shall remain
i will rejoice
i will declare
God is my victory and He is here
all of my life
in every season
You are still God
i have a reason to sing
i have a reason to worship
this is my prayer in the harvest
when favour and providence flow
i know i'm filled to be emptied again
the seed i've received i must sow.
Labels: and don't we all hate it? but we must. we are the conformists.
