Tuesday, March 31, 2009
{ 8:00 AM }
don't we all?
i hate school.
i don't see the point in wasting my life in an asylum meant to brainwash me into a moneymaking machine. for the love of money is the root of all evil.
education has lost its meaning.
yeah, school = education = meaning.
but when school = regurgitation, there is no meaning.
there is no education.
because, this way, i = robot. and robot = no emotions.
not happy, go die luh, not like anyone else will give a damn.
yeah, people will get shocked, like what happened at NTU, but will they truly care?
no.
i don't see the point in being "enriched" in curves and equations, when not everything is logical, and not everything can be planned, just like your math equation is.
or studying what in the world goes on in an atom and how to measure its mass, can i say anal?
heck, what do you need to know which tissue makes up your duodenum? not like you're gonna rip it up right?
heck, if i had my way, i would be somewhere else, embracing life.
but welcome to reality. it sucks.
without your little paper that has someone else's signature on it, you're looked down on and you won't make a name for yourself.
then again, do i need to make a name for myself?
if all glory is to God, then i shouldn't be desiring a position in society.
that's why it's so hard,
so conflicting.
which is why someone dumb like me gets muddleheaded.
and giving up.
{ 4:36 AM }
.
i want a miracle.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
{ 4:22 AM }
0.0
gosh i feel so old.
{ 3:42 AM }
my sister once told me i was a real-life serena.
i'm still trying to figure out what happened to me. and whether that's for better or worse.
lahdidahhh.
i have a feverrr
6am - 38.0
12pm - 36.9
2pm - 36.9
4pm - 37.4
6.30pm -37.8
i'm wondering if i'll be well enough to go to school tomorrow :/
the guai half of me wants to and the other half is like, heck care luh.
i realize how behind i am, i listen to songs that are around... 2 years old? 3 years?
i'm still listening to maroon 5's it won't be soon before long*.
and yes i realize that the lyrics are very... carnal.
i bet you jt's justified* is around 8 years old, and shakira's oral fijacion* is around 5 years old? but mmm.. damn sexaye. (;
HAHAH. oh dear.. ><0;X
hence the first line of what i'm writing right now.
ryan cabrera's take it all away* is definitely 5 years old.
and right now i'm kinda listening only to hillsong and planetshakers. oh dear goodness, it sounds too guai/so loser. :X i don't know luhh.
i guess what i listen to just influences me a lot. very much a lot.
still trying to configure the "be myself" setting on my computer. -> this is a metaphor, in case you're just a little slow up there ;P
* - albums, not songs.
Monday, March 23, 2009
{ 7:09 AM }
stability.
something i need to maintain right now.
i need to chill.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
{ 4:14 PM }
#3
I wonder which would be more worth it:
Working your ass off, nearly killing yourself with all the stress, and achieving extremely high, only to end up in a world that is, though not obviously, torn apart and full of drama, shit and stress
Or not stretching yourself so crazily, being average, and ending up in a relatively peaceful situation, and being happy?
I hate school.
{ 10:44 AM }
>< screwed
As an undeserving human, I definitely have my weak points.
Let's see,
1. I have extremely high expectations of myself, which then probably gives allusion to my pride. Yes, I believe myself better, I shall admit.
2. Hmm let's just say, I'm so direct and impulsive, my emotions sometimes drive my actions, I tend to do or say things without thinking first.
3. Ahh now this one, big problem, I prioritize such that it is even above school work. It's probably my greatest weakness, but I shan't expose it online.
4. I worry. Too much.
5. My sleep cycle is so screwed.
6. I'm having a very hard time dealing with others' judgements of me. - I'm limited.
Now you wonder, why the heck is she telling the world this?
1. I need prayer support - these three are hindering me very much. Especially the third.
2. I'm only human, I don't believe there's such a thing as a better Christian, and I'd really like it for someone to point out obstacles in my faith in a nice, direct way. And not out of spite like, "oh she's so holy. How can she do this sorta thing." -> holy? Me? Siao. All I am is saved. A saved sinner, trying hard to fall deeper in love with He who saved me.
3. I feel like I'm falling backwards. As in I want to go closer, but I'm slowly getting further, and I hate that.
4. To me, if Christ is back in place in my life, everything else will be pieced together by Him.
5. I need help in following up for this morning's service.
So please pray for me,
pray that whatever limits on my faith will be broken and taken away. Pray that my biggest weakness will be diminished an even vanquished by an overwhelming love for God and a filling of His Spirit. Pray that He will fill my life again and become my first priority. My only raison d'être. Please? (:
Ohoh, and my wall is open to any prayer requests, you can make it anonymous, or even msn me, fb msg me, sms me, anything(: I'm open to listen anytime, 24/7
Gosh I sound like I'm advertising for some shop or service or something! Hahah.
There's freedom in the name of Jesus,
Freedom from all shame
Freedom from all pain
Freedom from all sin
Freedom in the name of Jesus
-------
You alone are great in power
You alone are my strong tower
And I will lift my heart and soul to worship You alone.
And I will follow after You
For You are my desire, oh Jesus
My heart belongs to You
Saturday, March 21, 2009
{ 5:03 PM }
Your Name
As morning dawns and evening fades,
You inspire songs of praise,
That rise from earth to touch Your heart,
And glorify Your name.
Lord, I surrender this worry, this anger, this fatigue, and this pain to You, I put it all in Your hands and I pray You straighten out the path before me.
Lord, I thank You for yet another day in Your presence, I pray it be filled with Your presence, Lord, and Your name be glorified, Jesus.
May my praise and worship rise and touch Your heart, Lord Jesus, God Almighty.
Jesus, please take my sin, and give me clean hands and a pure heart, a soul that will never lift to another, Lord, I trade these ashes in for beauty, in Your name, Lord Jesus, please, fill me again with Your love and Your Spirit, Lord, I surrender.
I thank You so so much,
I love You, Jesus,
In Your most holy and precious name I pray earnestly, Jesus,
Amen.
Isaiah 26:7
"But for those who are righteous, the path us not steep and rough. You are a God of justice, and you smooth out the road ahead of them."
Thursday, March 19, 2009
{ 5:26 AM }
#2
I wonder which is more taxing,
Drama syf? {Where "homework" is also included}
Or a sports group's nationals? {where they train (usually) only during training}
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
{ 9:35 PM }
#1
I wonder which is more important?How good the song is or how much God's hands work through it?
Labels: all the heavens shout Your praise
{ 8:35 PM }
Nothing But The Blood
What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
So I put my iphone on shuffle and this song comes on, and it hits a switch somewhere deep inside. I reminisce a scene last year on the bus back from our ROCs trip to Ipoh. Goes like this:
I was sitting next to Jelly
I'm listening to hillsong, this new album my mom got for me - she thought I'd love it - I Heart Revolution. Yeah, I loved it! Hahah ;D duh, who wouldn't?
Jelly's listening to.. hmmm regina spektor? And grindhouse.
We're both singing the songs out loud in the darkness on the bus, oblivious to everything surrounding.
So this song comes on, and yeah, I'm singing it -not horribly I hope.. hahah- and out of nowhere, I start tearing, crying, and I'm feeling so broken inside -at least if I can recall correctly... coz it's either that or I didn't know why I was crying.. hahah well should be the former..- I felt like I'd shattered to bits.
Jelly wraps an arm around me, don't think she gets what just happened, she probably thinks I was being weird.
And I realize, nearly 6 months later that perhaps it was the Spirit of God, working in His own miraculous ways. To think it happened outside of a Christian environment. On a bus. In the darkness.
Whoa.
Praise Him.
I'm amazed.
Probably awestruck because I for one am pretty much new to this sorta thing? That was probably one of my firsts? Hahah I can't remember, maybe my memory's bad.
Oh, but He has taken me straight in. And there'll definitely be more(:
-------
We wanna see Your face
We wanna know Your ways
Come to us, Lord
We want You
More than this world
More than our way
Your way is higher
Your thoughts are higher
Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
That's what You are.
{ 8:06 AM }
I just want You, Jesus
More than a nice melody
More than the sweetest of words
This is the love I have found
And with this love I am found
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You, my Lord
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You
Never could I comprehend
The live you so freely give
Never could I be with you
But Your love covers all of my sin
There is no greater love than Yours
Nothing else could ever compare
And even if I search all the world
I will never find a love like Yours
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You, my Lord
I just want You, Jesus
Oh, I just want You.
{ 7:58 AM }
Your love and grace, you pick me up and hold me, you alone are holy.
For You alone are my desire,
You have set my heart on fire,
And I will lift my heart and soul to worship You alone,
Worship You alone.
-------
I've always wanted someone who would drop everything to just be with me, talk, and listen.
Someone who would stop judging me (even never judge me), who'd love me exactly for who I am.
Now I laugh foolishly at the fact that I've been looking in all the wrong places. Haha. Stupidhead.
Look up.
Let go.
Let God.
The One who loves.
Forever and always.
-------
Your faithfulness never fails,
Your faithfulness, everyday you're the same.
And I will follow after You
For You are my desire,
Oh Jesus, my heart belongs to You
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
{ 4:21 AM }
Saviour, Redeemer, You are God
Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty,
And wear forgiveness like a crown.
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy,
I lay every burden down,
At the foot of the cross.
Well, you see the Bible talks of human wisdom being foolish (Isa 29:14) and here we are living for humanism. For the glorification of what humans believe is right.
The education system moots competition and gives rise to elitism, this is very evident, it's innate. Human pride is something we, as sinful people, are born with, but whether we intend to live it through is a different story.
So yeah it is a test, the education system is a very strong test of what one will believe.
It's something like the pharisees who studied the Bible till it became dry and emotionless, yet people bring it home and for some, it comes alive. Heck, people even spend their lives on it. (hello, albert einstein? aristotle? isaac newton, and their group of scientific comrades - i say this in a completely lighthearted tone) That forms the idolatry of science, information and humanism. Could we then say that this is our modern day Baal? Because by investing your entire life and energy in it (for some, grades and marks are everything. "we have no life outside of school"), are you not worshipping it?
However, in Singapore, the system is only compulsory till the age of 12.
Socially, you would be forced to take it up to jc (and hence uni) or poly.
But you see, all this is of this world. It is the work in this world.
So where does a Christian fit in? Heck, where does God Himself fit in?
Unless you mean that God does see the heart, and you're studying to glorify Him, but how exactly does memorizing human wisdom and agreeing with it, hence glorifying and promoting it(Humanism), glorify God?
How does studying about evolution and learning to regurgitate it fit in with God?
How do fame, self-glorification and high scores based on human standards fit in with God?
That's the gigantic contradiction which I do not comprehend.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
{ 7:14 AM }
Jesus, Beautiful Saviour.
I cannot believe I am still in love with this song.
Since the first time I heard it, it's been stuck in my head.
Well actually no, i heard it at retreat.. but it only got -pretty much- permenantly stuck since the moment i watched the youtube vid.. hmmm.. when was that?
2 weeks before i led chapel with shannon and the sec 2s.. i think it was in January! :O
whoa. hmmm.. i think we led on Feb 1st.. so 2 weeks before would be... 17th.
that's about 2 - (17/31) months ^^ HAHAH math.
just had math.
and the first time i watched it, i was so filled by His Spirit i can't believe it.
I think it was one of the first times i could have a near-tear experience at home. out of camp, and out of church. whoa. praise Him man.
i really look up to henry seeley actually, i think his writing is really good, must be his Godsent gift?
i'll tell you more about how the song moved me some other time, because me thinks the time has not yet come. but for now:
you know what i really don't understand, what i find really hard to grasp
i dont get how studying hard, topping the class and getting into somewhere like cambridge/harvard would be to His glory.
other than the fact that people would probably find you more credible when speaking of the Gospel, and see your testimony, that God can be in studies as well but
1. isn't that conforming to the ideals of this world?
- by achieving material "prosperity" and "success" (and fame and recognition by the world) wouldn't that make you more vulnerable to it? aren't you supposed to hate the world and not be of it?
- the world denies Christ, and pursues material "success" and hence by conforming to the ideals, aren't you agreeing with what the world is doing?
- we are made new and not of the world, our old sinful selves are destroyed and we are not to live like the world or in the world but it is only our temporary 'house' - i say house because our home is to be heaven - so why are we conforming to the ideals?
2. if we live for God shouldn't we be focused on Him?
- in the process of education, we are forced to be able to regurgitate answers that glorify humans, that put humans above other humans and sometimes above and neglecting God, they say there is power in words, so in this brainwashing process, aren't we made more vulnerable and aren't we not being focused on His Word?
- what the world teaches highly contradicts what the Bible teaches, wouldn't that make a Christian more vulnerable to swaying and losing track?
Now i think about it... perhaps it's a test. A test of how much we can hold on to Him without being affected with what we are forced to do.
But you see, topping the class and going to an ivy is not something forced, albeit pressured, so where does that fit in?
