Sunday, January 10, 2010
{ 2:46 PM }
jours au soleil;
Yesterday was quite a good worship, pretty amazing. yup(: you know I always love Holy Communion. (:
It just reminded me, you know, of everything Christianity is about. How can anyone be left sober after being reminded of what exactly it was about?
When I think of how my God sent a man filled with His Spirit completely and in all fibre, the only one who was right with Him, to be declared guilty for every wrong thing every single person on earth did and take the punishment for it, not only by human hands but in his spirit and soul by God. I think of how He suffered every curse meant for me, went through all the pain that I will never be able to comprehend, just so God would be able to make me clean, make me new and give me His Spirit, I know there's mo turning back.
The Gospel alone is enough to convert anyone. When I questioned myself, "how real is this to you!" thinking of the answer, if God is, this must be. It must. And I tried to grasp such a reality. I guess God in His grace let me understand.
I guess Jesus was declared a lunatic for me to be labelled sane when there are so many questionably insane things the world does. But you know why He was thrown out, I suppose He was above the world (I.e. Greater than the world) so they threw Him out coz He was sinless.
It really brought me to tears okay. When they say the body of Christ broken for you it is a literal presentation I guess. Except that not one bone in His body was broken..
If you really listen and you really think, Holy Communion would be enough reasonfor you to go on, go through whatever crap you're going. And know that at the end it'll be alright and know that you're not as worse off as someone else once was. Someone even God casted out of His sight because he was sin. And you know that God's divine will is there. That just as He was raises victoriously from the dead, you have a new nature, a propensity not to sin, an someday you will be liberated from temptation completely, when the Perfect comes and you may have whole communion with Him.
I was saved by the Blood of Jesus Christ.
He died for me.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
{ 7:00 AM }
sleeping beauty.
wow, so i haven't updated this blog in such a long time.
but i guess it's been about a month now?
sometimes i feel like i'm taking things slow with almost everything in my life. and it's a good thing,
but sometimes i feel like there's so much more i can do in my life.
i remember last year, i felt like i heard God's voice so much in my life.
His blessing has always been upon me. and i guess it will be (:
i feel like God has really put a new nature in me, it has become in my propensity to do something that is of Him.
He equipped me with knowledge of His ways, and understanding. understanding of so many things that people question.
i'm only human i guess, i suppose stumbling is inevitable. but! they also part of His Will - there must be a reason He let your sinful nature manifest for that period.
i just read a note that really spoke to my heart. especially this one comment which read "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her." and "A man's heart should be so lost in God that a woman must seek Him in order to find him."
it kinda stung me, reminded me of.. my sin and stumbling.
my entire holiday flew past me like blitzkrieg.
but over it, i have fallen so much.
especially the week i spent in club med.
i can't really remember what happened after exams, but let me tell you that by God's grace, i stuck with Him until Chinese Os, i remember, my faith was almost so strong (even though there is much more to go) it escalated for a while, until this day where family problems just cropped up everywhere.
i tell you man, you never want a family where God is second. or not at all.
things just get so construed.
i miss the days where God showed me pictures and gave me thoughts, and i want even more. i want to see, i want to hear and i want to be like His Son. i want Him. i want all of Him.
(of course though, i don't think i'd be able to take it)
i feel distant. last december... was a real time of testing.
it's like directly after those family problems cropped up i got so distracted and yet God was still holding on to me.
like i just wanted to get away.
i want Him. i want to live for Him, yet part of me knows i'm still stuck in the world.
i wish so much for a life full of God, and i fear that the world will persist.
i fear i will live a life not filled with God
i fear my social circle will be one worldly
i fear, so badly, that i will never find a guy life the one in that quote.
okay, in the holidays, i got so distracted by thoughts of escape. i yearned so much for a guy because of my fears.
for a particular one.
but i surrendered it all.
i got distracted after that, in cervinia.
there were those nightly discos and i met people who were fine with swearing. okay with clubbing. drinking was cool. fun. whatever.
and it was kind of fun, i have to admit. it was an indulgence in my past. what i would have been.
and i began to turn back.
partying began to seem appealing. we went dancing every night, which was really fun. but that was good enough for me.
i don't like how people associate all that with clubbing and smoking and everything.
i love to dance.
but the clearcut line was there. i cannot stand smoking. but drinking and swearing crept in. then there was this one guy i really had chemistry with.
when i got back i was completely miserable. i felt so conflicted and distracted and disappointed and unfulfilled at the same time.
i knew that i had to follow God. because His Way is always the best. His Timing is perfect.
so slowly, i surrendered the guy. drinking was nothing big, because i didn't drink to escape, i drank under permission (: hahahah. but as soon as i surrendered that guy, feelings that had always been there, which went to the back of my mind, came back. and i got distracted again.
the family problems, which were always there. drama and all that, were still going on. and i got so frustrated with my life.
by the time Christmas came around, i felt so unclean, so unworthy, and so distant. i felt like a hypocrite writing cards to friends and giving presents. even though part of me wanted to for the joy of it, part of me was pushing the guilt.
during worship, i cried. i got stung by the fact that i was so far away. and i knew, i'm nothing without Him.
my mind wandered. my heart went astray.
and right now, i still feel distant. i want Jesus. i want the type of devotion He had with God. Can you believe that even after He healed all these people till like midnight, he slept at like 2am and woke up prolly at 4am to pray and at 7 he started it all again, preaching, ministering and loving God wholly with His entire heart, so much so that He would never stray to even a woman. That, is true holiness.
i guess right now, i'm depending on God.
to give me a God-written life.
to be like Jesus. not the commercial, common household "Christian" one, but the true, biblical one.
and i hope God would bless the one too. that He would save him, no matter whether he is the one i hope for or the one i've never met.
yes, i'm admitting something so close to my heart on the internet. i officially feel like a dork.
thank you (:
(any guesses why the title is sleeping beauty?)
and yes, i feel that swearing is a clearcut sign of fallenness in life.
Labels: my prayer in the desert.
