hail to the king.

jours au soleil;

2010-01-10T14:46:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was quite a good worship, pretty amazing. yup(: you know I always love Holy Communion. (:
It just reminded me, you know, of everything Christianity is about. How can anyone be left sober after being reminded of what exactly it was about?

When I think of how my God sent a man filled with His Spirit completely and in all fibre, the only one who was right with Him, to be declared guilty for every wrong thing every single person on earth did and take the punishment for it, not only by human hands but in his spirit and soul by God. I think of how He suffered every curse meant for me, went through all the pain that I will never be able to comprehend, just so God would be able to make me clean, make me new and give me His Spirit, I know there's mo turning back.

The Gospel alone is enough to convert anyone. When I questioned myself, "how real is this to you!" thinking of the answer, if God is, this must be. It must. And I tried to grasp such a reality. I guess God in His grace let me understand.

I guess Jesus was declared a lunatic for me to be labelled sane when there are so many questionably insane things the world does. But you know why He was thrown out, I suppose He was above the world (I.e. Greater than the world) so they threw Him out coz He was sinless.

It really brought me to tears okay. When they say the body of Christ broken for you it is a literal presentation I guess. Except that not one bone in His body was broken..

If you really listen and you really think, Holy Communion would be enough reasonfor you to go on, go through whatever crap you're going. And know that at the end it'll be alright and know that you're not as worse off as someone else once was. Someone even God casted out of His sight because he was sin. And you know that God's divine will is there. That just as He was raises victoriously from the dead, you have a new nature, a propensity not to sin, an someday you will be liberated from temptation completely, when the Perfect comes and you may have whole communion with Him.

I was saved by the Blood of Jesus Christ.
He died for me.

sleeping beauty.

2010-01-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

wow, so i haven't updated this blog in such a long time.
but i guess it's been about a month now?
sometimes i feel like i'm taking things slow with almost everything in my life. and it's a good thing,
but sometimes i feel like there's so much more i can do in my life.
i remember last year, i felt like i heard God's voice so much in my life.
His blessing has always been upon me. and i guess it will be (:

i feel like God has really put a new nature in me, it has become in my propensity to do something that is of Him.
He equipped me with knowledge of His ways, and understanding. understanding of so many things that people question.

i'm only human i guess, i suppose stumbling is inevitable. but! they also part of His Will - there must be a reason He let your sinful nature manifest for that period.

i just read a note that really spoke to my heart. especially this one comment which read "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her." and "A man's heart should be so lost in God that a woman must seek Him in order to find him."

it kinda stung me, reminded me of.. my sin and stumbling.

my entire holiday flew past me like blitzkrieg.

but over it, i have fallen so much.
especially the week i spent in club med.

i can't really remember what happened after exams, but let me tell you that by God's grace, i stuck with Him until Chinese Os, i remember, my faith was almost so strong (even though there is much more to go) it escalated for a while, until this day where family problems just cropped up everywhere.
i tell you man, you never want a family where God is second. or not at all.

things just get so construed.
i miss the days where God showed me pictures and gave me thoughts, and i want even more. i want to see, i want to hear and i want to be like His Son. i want Him. i want all of Him.
(of course though, i don't think i'd be able to take it)

i feel distant. last december... was a real time of testing.

it's like directly after those family problems cropped up i got so distracted and yet God was still holding on to me.
like i just wanted to get away.
i want Him. i want to live for Him, yet part of me knows i'm still stuck in the world.

i wish so much for a life full of God, and i fear that the world will persist.
i fear i will live a life not filled with God
i fear my social circle will be one worldly
i fear, so badly, that i will never find a guy life the one in that quote.

okay, in the holidays, i got so distracted by thoughts of escape. i yearned so much for a guy because of my fears.
for a particular one.
but i surrendered it all.
i got distracted after that, in cervinia.
there were those nightly discos and i met people who were fine with swearing. okay with clubbing. drinking was cool. fun. whatever.
and it was kind of fun, i have to admit. it was an indulgence in my past. what i would have been.
and i began to turn back.
partying began to seem appealing. we went dancing every night, which was really fun. but that was good enough for me.
i don't like how people associate all that with clubbing and smoking and everything.
i love to dance.
but the clearcut line was there. i cannot stand smoking. but drinking and swearing crept in. then there was this one guy i really had chemistry with.
when i got back i was completely miserable. i felt so conflicted and distracted and disappointed and unfulfilled at the same time.
i knew that i had to follow God. because His Way is always the best. His Timing is perfect.

so slowly, i surrendered the guy. drinking was nothing big, because i didn't drink to escape, i drank under permission (: hahahah. but as soon as i surrendered that guy, feelings that had always been there, which went to the back of my mind, came back. and i got distracted again.
the family problems, which were always there. drama and all that, were still going on. and i got so frustrated with my life.
by the time Christmas came around, i felt so unclean, so unworthy, and so distant. i felt like a hypocrite writing cards to friends and giving presents. even though part of me wanted to for the joy of it, part of me was pushing the guilt.

during worship, i cried. i got stung by the fact that i was so far away. and i knew, i'm nothing without Him.
my mind wandered. my heart went astray.
and right now, i still feel distant. i want Jesus. i want the type of devotion He had with God. Can you believe that even after He healed all these people till like midnight, he slept at like 2am and woke up prolly at 4am to pray and at 7 he started it all again, preaching, ministering and loving God wholly with His entire heart, so much so that He would never stray to even a woman. That, is true holiness.

i guess right now, i'm depending on God.
to give me a God-written life.
to be like Jesus. not the commercial, common household "Christian" one, but the true, biblical one.
and i hope God would bless the one too. that He would save him, no matter whether he is the one i hope for or the one i've never met.

yes, i'm admitting something so close to my heart on the internet. i officially feel like a dork.
thank you (:

(any guesses why the title is sleeping beauty?)
and yes, i feel that swearing is a clearcut sign of fallenness in life.

distractions and ironies.

2009-12-01T20:05:00.000-08:00

i realize my blog has been neglected.

i was planning maybe someday to write about my testimony. hahah nah. why should i? many others get saved whose testimonies deserve publishing hahah
recently, i've been having my doubts on the efficiency of this blog to portray words strung together for His glory.
i did dedicate this to anything relating to Christianity, it's quite obvious from the layout.

issue 1: my sister now complains about how i have this annoying "lawyer voice" when i discuss things or attempt to put forth my point.
issue 2: i have been neglecting my blog.
issue 3: hahah i wonder if i have due reason.

wheee. we'll let the problems take care of themselves (:
it seems my holidays are no longer holidays. i'm leaving for italy in about 7 days. (oh no.)
this sucks. hahah i'll tell you a secret, i haven't done my holiday homework. 0:D
sigh, maybe i slack too much.

i'll let you in on what has been occupying the holiday i had other plans for:
1. books
2. sentiments
3. family time.

i admit, i have read some good books. but i never finish them. i finish some but i have no idea why it seems like 24hours is not enough!
i read neil gaiman's sandman - preludes and nocturnes, quite nice.
i'm quite surprise by his portrayal of the devil, it's more accurate than how other comic books portray lucifer.
serious man, i think it would be really scary, and i'm glad that the only person the devil appeared to in the bible was Jesus. he can take it. i mean, i wouldn't mind as long as i'm in the full presence of God or Jesus myself, because either one of them would outshine whatever little glory the devil has - in appearance.
ironic huh, how people can portray monsters so horribly. well i do remember the sirens in the odyssey, that's not too bad, but i mean like... commercialized stories.
what irony huh? hahah

i think i can put a patent on "so ironic" because even my mom says i say it so much hahah

i have my sincere doubts if this blog works, you know. i really do, but i'm going to trust.

one of the recent sermons i've been listening to puts emphasis on the Gospel
i conclude that the best way to know if a person is a believer is to ask them about the Gospel. (but you have to be prepared for tears.)
but we do have to keep in mind that we are no one, we have no authority to declare if a person is saved. only God can do that.
even so, we must test ourselves, keep ourselves on track by questioning ourselves the reality of the Gospel and what exactly it is.
i believe that once a person is clear on the Gospel, it will serve as the biggest and greatest motivation in the Christian life.
how can a person fall away like this? - (rhetoric question)

it's tough. i contemplate my own future and the choices i must make in time to come.
but i shall leave it to His Hands.

i watched new moon the other day. my little sister lizi was completely over-the-top excited she screamed multiple times.
oh well. (TEEHEE song. turn your phone volume down)
it was okay. hahah i'm serious the best thing about it is the scenery. gosh. (eunice, i'm adding that onto the list. HAHAH)
aughhh hahah

you know how they like to teach about urban and rural settlements and stuff like that in geog, i wonder why they never evaluate which was better. it seems so surface level.
i like to think that the more urbanized a place gets the more problems it wreaks for itself.
think about it, hahah i shall explain someday, when i feel like it.
it also drives towards a centralized economy and culture - makes you lose some roots. it's inevitable.
i get sick of how they rant on and on about this in chinese curriculum but you have to stick to the 'model answer'
cardboard box! :( boring boring boring
-dies-

don't you find it retarded how we idolize so many things in our lives?
actually i don't... i find it sad. and it's human nature i guess. still sad.

i've told some friends of mine how i'm going to grow old as an old, alone, fougie.
but they don't know why i fear such.
it's hard to believe i'll find someone who condones the way i think about Christianity. and the way i look at life.
i told my mom i wanted to marry someone more close to God than me, she said i would end up marrying a pastor.
x.x dies.

my sister (xandra) was reading fml the other day to me, we both concluded that people in the west/us are really screwed up.
seriously, it's damn gross sometimes. like 40% of the posts are about something wrong.
twilight has overtaken the minds of so many girls. it's gross. seriously.
there was this post on fml that was like - "my girlfriend broke up with me today, she said she wanted someone more like edward. i found out he was a fictional vampire. fml"
xandra also read twilight yesterday. she said edward and bella were so cheesy.
i kind of agree.
and even so, for a hopeless romantic like me to say such a thing, it must be to an extreme concentration.
(yes i laughed in a "romantic scene" in new moon because it was so retarded. there was also this guy in the back row who kept laughing at the corny parts. my dad said it was really stupid. he's so accurate.)
oh the irony.
i foresee that twilight is yet another distraction from the truly important.
and the romanticization of "immortals" paint lies as beautiful as monet's paintings. (i love monet though.)

when i get of age, i'm going to write a book and it's going to be anonymous. (:
whee. :D

(:

2009-10-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

Matthew 7:7 (New American Standard Bible)

7"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

Deuteronomy 4:23-39 (New American Standard Bible)

23"So watch yourselves, (AF)that you do not forget the covenant of the LORD your God which He made with you, and (AG)make for yourselves a graven image in the form of anything against which the LORD your God has commanded you.

24"For the LORD your God is a (AH)consuming fire, a (AI)jealous God.

25"When you become the father of children and children's children and have remained long in the land, and (AJ)act corruptly, and (AK)make an idol in the form of anything, and (AL)do that which is evil in the sight of the LORD your God so as to provoke Him to anger,

26I (AM)call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that you will (AN)surely perish quickly from the land where you are going over the Jordan to possess it. You shall not live long on it, but will be utterly destroyed.

27"The LORD will (AO)scatter you among the peoples, and you will be left few in number among the nations where the LORD drives you.

28"(AP)There you will serve gods, the work of man's hands, (AQ)wood and stone, (AR)which neither see nor hear nor eat nor smell.

29"(AS)But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him (AT)with all your heart and all your soul.

30"When you (AU)are in distress and all these things have come upon you, (AV)in the latter days (AW)you will return to the LORD your God and listen to His voice.

31"For the LORD your God is a (AX)compassionate God; (AY)He will not fail you nor (AZ)destroy you nor (BA)forget the covenant with your fathers which He swore to them.

32"Indeed, (BB)ask now concerning the former days which were before you, since the (BC)day that God created man on the earth, and inquire (BD)from one end of the heavens to the other (BE)Has anything been done like this great thing, or has anything been heard like it?

33"(BF)Has any people heard the voice of God speaking from the midst of the fire, as you have heard it, and survived?

34"(BG)Or has a god tried to go to take for himself a nation from within another nation (BH)by trials, by signs and wonders and by war and (BI)by a mighty hand and by an outstretched arm and by great terrors, as the LORD your God did for you in Egypt before your eyes?

35"To you it was shown that you might know that the LORD, He is God; (BJ)there is no other besides Him.

36"(BK)Out of the heavens He let you hear His voice (BL)to discipline you; and on earth He let you see His great fire, and you heard His words from the midst of the fire.

37"(BM)Because He loved your fathers, therefore He chose their descendants after them And He (BN)personally brought you from Egypt by His great power,

38driving out from before you nations greater and mightier than you, to bring you in and (BO)to give you their land for an inheritance, as it is today.

39"Know therefore today, and take it to your heart, that (BP)the LORD, He is God in heaven above and on the earth below; there is no other."

what a revelation unto all.

amen(:

We Have Forgotten that the Way is Narrow

2009-10-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

reflections.

2009-10-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

Deuteronomy 6:4-5 (King James Version)

4Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD:

5And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.

Lord of the heavens
King of all days
Without You my world slips away
Redeemed by Your mercy
Consumed by Your grace
Now i live for You

King Of All Days - Hillsong

morning:

the year has passed so quickly.

it seems today i decided to look back at all my posts, read them through, and think

hahah
examination of self?
wow. what a coincidence
(i'm listening to a semon on self-examination right now)

hmm, let's see. so many things have changed!
it's so overwhelming how faithful God has been, and how many things i've grown to know about Him

when i look back at my march posts, i think i've finally found the answer! (to the studies thing)
like i said, so many things have changed!
hahah

you know the funny thing is, i think that was a period of my growth, so i'll leave it there, as a juxtaposition between things that were, and things that are, a testament to God's cultivation of wisdom in me hahah

i've come to realize, i don't need to think or question about glorifying God in my studies, i don't need to say that i'm glorifying God in my studies! All i need to do is just look at God and focus on God, and He will settle everything else i need - "my daily bread"
i'm serious! ohmygoodness! God had put me through that entire emo period in june to teach me something.

----

midnight.

yes, i realize that that entire period was not just a period of immense growth, but more so, sanctification!
God had to strip off so many wrong foundations and messed up parts of me.
He made it clear to me that there was nothing for me. Nothing for me apart from Him and that all else was vanity.

those "down" periods in our lives - growth, sanctification.

when i had such a blockage towards my studies, He taught me that all i seriously had to do was just spend more time in communion with Him, look to His Word, speak and listen, and He'd sort that out for me.
It's like He fought for me, and i didn't have to do much but stick with Him and stay on His side, focusing on Him instead of making the subject of studies my idol.
for if i chased after it with all my might on my own strength, i would surely lose.
it is nothing but a modern day Baal.

i learnt to really stop it! i had to stop it!
and it saddens me just how many people worship this modern day baal instead of their God.
:(

again, i don't have to think about this! i just have to think of God! and immerse myself in Him.
(when i speak of God, i speak of the Truine God)

all i have to do, is worship, submit, obey. and conform to the image of His Son, Christ Jesus.
the Sermon on the Mount! - why am i worrying over this, should not my Father, who looks after all else in nature and dresses them up so beautifully, take care of me even better?

and whilst i stay there in awe, i had to let go.
realize how spiritually bankrupt i was, how apart from Him, i am worse than nothing.
there's nothing, nothing, nothing, for me apart from Him.
and He is and must be my everything.

and He must change my everything and conform me to His image. His Son's image.

during the past year, He has stripped me of so many things that i now realize i am better off without, and so many bondages that i would never be able to shake off.

i realized that my nothingness, His almighty grace and power, and i must continue to live on this.
to live on a search for Him, and a renouncement of self, of pride, of ego, and vanity.
anything that has to do with glory that is not of Him, i do not want.

He saved me, and that's the only thing i need to know, the only thing i need to base all of this on.
He saved me.
He called me into His Hands and He saved me.
And showed me the first glimpse of His Face.
may He continue this good work He has begun in me, and may His Face be clearer and clearer.
(by His Face, i mean His Character, and His Being - who He is, exactly. for i would be too unworthy to even catch a glimpse of His physical and/or visual appearance.)

all i want is You.
i don't want to waste my life on anything that is apart from You, on anything rooted on a foundation other than You.
and my earnest prayer and desire is that Your Name be glorified in my life, Your Spirit overflow unto those around me, Your Fire burn in my heart - my everything.

amen(:

Revival According to John

2009-10-13T09:54:00.000-07:00

(Revival Conference 2008 Atlanta)

The Great Privilege

2009-10-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

If you took the 'the' or capital out of The Saviour, He'd be no different from any other one.

2009-10-13T08:55:00.001-07:00

Saviour I come,
Quiet my soul, remember,
Redemption's hill,
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom

Everything I once held dear,
I count it all as lost.

Lead me to the cross,
Where Your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees,
Lord I lay me down.
Rid me of myself,
I belong to You,
Lead me, lead me to the cross.

You were as I,
Tempted and trialed,
You are
The word became flesh,
Bore my sin and death,
Now you're risen

Everything I once held dear,
I count it all as lost.

Lead me to the cross,
Where Your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees,
Lord I lay me down.
Rid me of myself,
I belong to You,
Lead me, lead me to the cross.

Oh Lord, my God, in You i put my trust

2009-10-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

take my moments, and my days
let each breathe that i take, be ever only,
for You, oh Lord

i think i may switch to KJV.

Ezekiel 37:1-14 (King James Version)

Ezekiel 37

1The hand of the LORD was upon me, and carried me out in the spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley which was full of bones,

2And caused me to pass by them round about: and, behold, there were very many in the open valley; and, lo, they were very dry.

3And he said unto me, Son of man, can these bones live? And I answered, O Lord GOD, thou knowest.

4Again he said unto me, Prophesy upon these bones, and say unto them, O ye dry bones, hear the word of the LORD.

5Thus saith the Lord GOD unto these bones; Behold, I will cause breath to enter into you, and ye shall live:

6And I will lay sinews upon you, and will bring up flesh upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and ye shall live; and ye shall know that I am the LORD.

7So I prophesied as I was commanded: and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and behold a shaking, and the bones came together, bone to his bone.

8And when I beheld, lo, the sinews and the flesh came up upon them, and the skin covered them above: but there was no breath in them.

9Then said he unto me, Prophesy unto the wind, prophesy, son of man, and say to the wind, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live.

10So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet, an exceeding great army.

11Then he said unto me, Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel: behold, they say, Our bones are dried, and our hope is lost: we are cut off for our parts.

12Therefore prophesy and say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, O my people, I will open your graves, and cause you to come up out of your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel.

13And ye shall know that I am the LORD, when I have opened your graves, O my people, and brought you up out of your graves,

14And shall put my spirit in you, and ye shall live, and I shall place you in your own land: then shall ye know that I the LORD have spoken it, and performed it, saith the LORD.

could that refer to individuals?
i am more than certain.
and i await. (:

when it's supposed to be the reverse.

2009-10-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

i don't know how to help you.

working against me: time, age
working for me: growth, education (in/of Him).

---

you know, i always feel like i'm going to two schools, one i am pretty negative or otherwise apathetic about, and the other, though secondary, the one i desire to spend all my time on and deepen.

i don't know whether it's just my time planning, or the fact that the former demands maximum attention, and the latter does too, but more people ignore it and make it seem unworthy.
they try to paint its crown black and trample it in sand.

when she asked me what was wrong with making money,
i could have told her how i felt
but i'd slept too late the night before
and i'd been too scared.

quotes :D

2009-10-01T08:15:00.001-07:00

paul washer - True Gospel Series

"Heaven will be about pursuing all the knowledge you can know about God."
(don't look at this only at surface level, it's deeper than that. i.e. definition of 'know' and 'knowledge'.)

"Even though the message of the King of Christianity, the heart of Christianity, about the man who died on the tree, you do not even care about, you still call yourself a Christian"

Being A Witness

"you were given a heart, so it would beat for Him,
you were given a mind, so you could think thoughts about Him,
you were given breath so you could take it in and breathe it out in worship,
you were given strength to serve Him.
you belong to Him."

amen. (:

further thoughts; apart from the vine i am nothing.

2009-09-18T08:04:00.001-07:00

in regards to the last post:

i realized;
1. the most i could do is do my best to be that image of Christ
2. and pray
3. trust
4. it is by His Spirit that salvation occurs, and "my sheep recognize my voice; I know them and they follow me" - John 10:27

it's sad.
reality is.
we are all poor in Spirit - bankrupt, even.
and we're turning further.

"For apart from me you can do nothing." -> John 15:5b
apart from Him i do nothing of substantial value.
apart from Him i have nothing.
apart from Him i am nothing.
the nothing i am can never fill the nothing i feel.

think and understand. apply.
look up.

Salvation and Christianity : Baptism of the Spirit and Abandonment of the world for the follow of Christ.
when we take that focus off Christ as our top priority, and turn to worldly objects which will never fulfill, and if we've not been in communion with the Spirit of God through Christ, is it right to say that; 1. idolatry, and 2. false/religious Christianity.

therefore, how rampant is idolatry?
how often is the first commandment broken, and the most important - of loving with all our hearts, souls and minds?
how real is the common 'Christianity'?

lately;
-> listening to awesome preachers. seriously (:
recommend;
Paul Washer - The Sufficiency of Scripture, A Biblical Marriage & Family, A Biblical Church.
Leonhard Ravenhill - Elijah,
A.W. Tozer - The Deeper Life,
Charles Leiter - Justification and the Gospel.

-> revising the first 5 (: soon moving on to the 6th when the time is right (:

-> read a book that since gave proof for the ... feeling or perception, i had on the intertwining of The Spirit and Science and how the latter proves the former;
The Science of God -Gerald L. Shroeder
(it was really interesting, and super cool. i'm serious :D hahah. the into was a bit boring and like, "yeah i know, that's why i'm reading this", but the part where he starts talking about Genesis seems an accurate perception to me :D )

-> given a new perspective on ministry.

Ministry -> wherever God has put you to minister to others around you.
family is considered.
marriage is.

(:

Would i be able to forgive myself?

2009-09-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

Would i be able to forgive myself if one of my immediate family members left this earth still unconvinced of Christ's salvation and the love of God?
Would i be able to forgive myself if i didn't do all i could to show them Christ through me before they left?

i don't think i could.
not by my human strength.
never. by my human strength.

please.
restore me in Your Grace.

#5.

2009-09-06T23:24:00.000-07:00

1. A "Christian" who doesn't know if he is truly saved and is not rightly connected to Christ, yet still calls himself a Christian.

2. A "Christian" who admits, he's not actually a Christian, and admits his doubt.

3. A non-Christian of another religion or none at all who can tell the difference between a true Christian and a false one.

who would you respect more?

for me, i'd respect the second most, and the third.
the first? i'm not so sure if i could respect or accept him at all, if he wishes not to examine himself.

Majesty, Majesty, Your grace has found me just as i am, empty handed but alive in Your Hands.

2009-08-31T03:58:00.001-07:00

i had a really good dream yesterday.
but it wasn't a good thing to dream about.

but that's not the thing on my mind right now. meaning that i've pretty much gotten over it?
okay good.

1. Why is it the good (here meaning interesting) workshops in ym camp are for "17 & above"?
is it right to justify a larger number of years around the sun as a higher level of spiritual maturity?
stuff like postmodernism is more than something only jc students/uni can comprehend.

2. maybe i'm not meant to go this year? i don't know. dad wants to go to italy during the same period. (://)
and i don't think i should anyway.

if i do:
- i'd have too many camps already. kinda like last year x.x
- i'd have a chance of using the camp as a "high" charger, and that's not good.
- i'd be able to go with jam (:

on to something of more importance
what is a career in which one can focus entirely on Christ, yet can appease parents who wish for their child to "do well"?
paradoxical statement, is it not?

For a fellow JAMer (: :
(and everyone else who is reading! (: )

as of late, i discover so many 'Christians' i do know, who... aren't truly saved.
what does it mean to be truly saved?

personally, i believe it's something that can only be done by the Spirit of the Lord.
when the person is baptized by the Holy Spirit, he is truly saved.
it's not just a prayer that goes "yes, i'd like to ask Jesus into my life"
if the person has never read the gospel, and has never really breathed that word of God that lasts forever, and has never been invaded by the Spirit and filled with it, he/she is not saved.

sad sad truth.

yet the question is, how do we determine that?
if the person has not, after apparent filling with His Spirit, had his life turned upside down and priorities and desires uprooted and transformed into that of Christ, he has not been saved.

"So I want you to know that no one speaking by the Spirit of God will curse Jesus, and no one can say Jesus is Lord, except by the Holy Spirit." - 1 Cor 12:3

in those times, saying Jesus is Lord, if i'm correct, meant death. only a fool would say that.
a fool filled with His Holy Spirit, sanctified, and living solely for Him.
a complete fool.

this fool chases not after the desires of the world, and lives not in the moment of that world, but in every moment given to him by the Lord. he chases only after the love so amazing and so divine that only the Lord can give.
he also chases after one-ness with the Godhead.
he knows that he is only to build a vessel that will carry him towards his goal, that which is the Lord.

“So those who are last now will be first then, and those who are first will be last.” - Matthew 20:16

he chases not after being first on this earth, he chases not after status or fame (amongst his companions and in his society) but humbles himself to the point which he knows that nothing on this earth is his; he is but a tenant, renting that which is the Lord's.

he knows his body is not his and must be returned to the Lord without unrightful mutilation and intended defect, to be used in ways that speak of the Lord. he knows his possessions and all he is blessed with are not his and his rightful inheritance is only the Lord, henceforth he is not to grip onto them with all his might and strength, but onto the Lord.

he knows that all he experiences now only makes his vessel a stronger boat, sturdier and more effective and looks on towards His Lord, union with Him.

if the things of this earth will wither, then it is far better to focus on the word of the Lord which will last forever, is it not?

the fool can only do this by The Spirit, and not by any other power in existence that is not of God.

so please tell me, are you truly living for God?
are you studying for God?
studying to glorify His Name?

question yourself, be true to your Lord - if He is of any importance.
what are you studying for?
what are you living for?

does your time spent focusing on Christ diminish in comparison to that which you live to do/are working at?
is there such thing as to study amd devote yourself to that to glorify His Name?
if you focus on His Kingdom, does He not promise to add on everything else unto you?
henceforth why do you rely on your own energy and focus on "studying to glorify His Name"/"working hard to glorify Him" instead of focusing more living for Him and delighting in His ways?
be right with Him, let all things else diminish in comparison to Him, and He will grant you that which you desired before you surrendered it to Him. check that relationship between you and Him, are you rightly connected?
what is that one rock standing in the way of the living stream of water of you and your connection to the source of Christ, preventing you from continuing your path?

this is but a lesson i am implementing now, though not for studies, for that had not been the thing that i hold dearest.

when i finally realize my empty-handed-ness, and nothing-ness, i know that in Your Hands, i am alive completely and with overflowing, abundant joy.

---
also, kudos to seth, who was the only one who noticed the "est electricum!" and asked (:

What in the world does God want me to do?

2009-08-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

"What has God destined for me on earth? What is His purpose for my life? What does Jesus want me to do for Him?"

To the above questions, my only answer is this - God wants me to love Him with all my hear, all my soul, and all my strength. To put His will above any of mine, that my heart's only desire will be to glorify His Name.

To reduce myself to a merely conscious human being surrendered to the command of God may seem extremely unwise to the eyes of the world, but in His Spirit, and to my saved soul, there can be nothing greater, higher, or edifying than, and no power and love above that which is His.

What joy fills my heart as i contemplate all that precede and ensue from the constant act of this surrender.

What must precede and remain consistent is a continually deepened love for and relationship with Him, until a point where nothing can ever take His place is my life, that which is none but first. This process will require almost eternity to develop and would be impossible without His Spirit and Almighty Presence.

He found me and formed me, and knew everything about me before I did Him, and this knowledge, combined with His indescribable power override and overshadow all that is known and can be the only thing that will fill the vacuum abyss in my heart.

And by His Spirit and the Name of Jesus, all shall fall into place when i focus only on Him. Loving Him, and showing my love for Him to Him, not the world, for His thoughts are all that matter, regardless of what happens to me.

He will provide.

Delirious - Majesty (Here I am)

2009-08-12T04:28:00.001-07:00

Delirious - Majesty (Here I am)
Uploaded by Le_CCE. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands

Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands

Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

parachute band:D

2009-08-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

Lord I come into Your Holy place
stand in awe of Your cleansing grace.
who am i, that You would care for me?
I glorify the one who died for me.

Glorified, glorified
Let Your Name be lifted up and glorified
Let the earth tremble at Your Name
Let Your Name be lifted up and glorified

Into Your hands, I commit my life
Day by day as a living sacrifice
Who am I that You would care for me?
I glorify the one who died for me

Glorified, glorified
Let Your Name be lifted up and glorified
Let the earth tremble at Your Name
Let Your Name be lifted up and glorified

up, up and... idolatry?

2009-08-08T03:11:00.000-07:00

Up! :D

hahah yeah watched it yesterday 0:D hee.

you know the funniest thing? o.o i cried man.
i cried.

it's so weird, really. i cried when that ellie and carl didn't recognize their "dreams" and they were growing old gradually.
and i cried when carl finally opened the section of ellie's album he always thought was blank.

hmm, maybe it was coz i felt like it was a waste.
that their lives were so wrapped around each other that when ellie left, carl broke.
yeah, maybe carl's attitude in the story could be justified on human terms, but i completely felt like, "where's God?"

then i had this sudden fear and feeling like, if the rapture happened now, what would have happened to me.
i would be staring at a talking, moving wall. instead of holding on to God.

and when that guy that carl idolized appeared, it was so scary.
so scary how he could be so consumed in what the world thought of him
and how monstrous he'd become.

and i left the cinema thinking, it was good. but i felt pretty unsettled.

and now i think of it yet again, idolatry.
and how idolatry isn't just about a golden calf and drunken orgies.
or a harvest "god" baal and polytheism.

idolatry isn't just about your "legal" religion, it's about priorities, and your heart.
and one thing it's definitely linked with is worship.

worship - comes from old english weorthscipe. and literally means worth -ship.
giving worth to something.

worship (n.)
O.E. worðscip, wurðscip (Anglian), weorðscipe (W.Saxon) "condition of being worthy, honor, renown," from weorð "worthy" (see worth) + -scipe (see -ship). Sense of "reverence paid to a supernatural or divine being" is first recorded c.1300. The original sense is preserved in the title worshipful (c.1300). The verb is recorded from c.1200.

since the definition of "worth" is already commonly established,

-ship: a native English suffix of nouns denoting condition, character, office, skill, etc.: clerkship; friendship; statesmanship.
O.E. -sciepe, Anglian -scip "state, condition of being," from P.Gmc. *-skapaz (cf. O.N. -skapr, O.Fris. -skip, Du. -schap, Ger. -schaft), from base *skap- "to create, ordain, appoint." Cognate with O.E. gesceape (see shape).

i⋅dol⋅a⋅try
–noun, plural -tries.
1. the religious worship of idols.
2. excessive or blind adoration, reverence, devotion, etc.

hence worship means giving and appointing worth to something in one's life and being devoted to it. appointing it a state and condition of being first and most important
and idolatry means excessive devotion to something (i.e. an idol)
and to devote means to give all or a large part of one's time or resources to (something)
therefore, when a large part of one's life is given to something else, where that thing is in a state and condition of being first in one's life, it's idolatry.

meaning when something else takes #1 in life before God, it's an idol and one is committing idolatry.

yes, i'm repeating the same point over and over. for emphasis.

it's not just a stupid golden calf or a stupid baal but can be anything.
when you don't Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength, and instead put something else in that position, it's idolatry! :(((

hence possible idols:
-> those literal "ou3 xiang4" celebrity idols
-> work/career/school/grades.
-> significant others
-> money and "security"
-> clothes and things we use
-> "odes to ...(something or other)." - a manifestation of idolatry.

-> addictions.
-> yourself. your goals. your future. your desires. your reputation.

yes, yourself.

when you put yourself before God in your life you are already committing idolatry.

hence, sin is rampant.

yes, very rampant.

and all those worldly ideals celebrated by humanity as such manifested in media
have little hints that link directly to a gigantic problem of idolatry.
it's like a fishnet thread that's leads to an iceberg covered by a gigantic golden silk cloth.

and we question ourselves why there are so many hypocrites that surround us, looking at ourselves at times as well, without thinking about what is first in priority at the point in which they commit the act of hypocrisy.

henceforth i am but a saved sinner who can do nothing, not even love God and put Him as first in my life, without His help. and His hand.

an angel's smile is what you sell, you promised me heaven and put me through hell.

2009-08-05T05:34:00.000-07:00

it's august.

already.

i'm so tired, and heng tomorrow's thursday and friday is lessonless.
so tired.

hoping friday will be fun (:
yes. in joyful expectation, friday, saturday sunday, monday. <3

key concepts of today:

a. dependent relationship > taking the next step/worrying aka planning it/asking God for it
b. God ≥ love x ∞. yet, God = love
c. firm conviction by the Spirit > being tolerant of worldly ideals
d. God sees <3
e. God = holy, therefore, He makes us holy, and true love will hold on tight.
f. holiness = purity = not just physical, but <3
g. man + the Spirit = true/God's wisdom, and faith = logical.
h. man - the Spirit = blinded, possesses apparently intellectual human wisdom, but never true insight. hence faith ≠ logical.
i. the love for sin a person slowly develops as he indulges in it ≈ the love of destructive behaviour which ^ with indulgence
j. in face of emptiness & unhappiness -> check relationship.
i. the world promises "heaven" - a mask of its hell.

i'm seriously a darn lit. person :/

and my longwindedness is even pissing me off. hahah

seriously, have you seen my physics answers? you'll laugh at the foolishness hahah

0:D heh.

you know the funniest thing is, i thought about it, and the Bible itself keeps repeating concepts. The Jewish style of emphasis is repetition (which contrasts in comparison with modern day technologically styled emphasis which = bolditalicunderline~~strikethrough~~.

and it repeats the same line for emphasis.

not saying that my longwindedness is good because of this,

but i'm just pointing out the irony. seriously quite funny leh.

and the funniest thing is, i only begin becoming longwinded when i speak about matters of substance.

yet in my blog, it's sentence per para. or you get the drift.

alright, tired me -> shower -> work - > sleep (:

do you see?

2009-07-30T01:40:00.000-07:00

Everything round one is unhurried, quiet, moss-grown, and orderly. Season follows in the track of season, and one year can hardly be distinguished from another. Time should be measured here by the silent dial, rather than by the ticking clock, or by the chimes of the church.

- Alexander Smith (again)

could he have given me the wrong prescription?

2009-07-29T06:04:00.000-07:00

There, with the former inhabitants of the place, I trust to sleep quietly enough, and nature will draw over our heads her coverlet of green sod, and tenderly tuck us in, as a mother her sleeping ones, so that no sound from the world shall ever reach us, and no sorrow trouble us any more.

- Alexander Smith.

apparently our breathing patterns pronounce Your Name as well.

2009-07-20T05:25:00.000-07:00

Exodus 20:7
"The Lord will not let you go unpunished if you misuse His name."

Leviticus 19:12
"Do not use my name to swear a falsehood and so profane the name of your God. I am the Lord."

What does it mean to misuse the Name of the Lord?
-> Using the Name of the Lord in vain does not only apply to "Oh My ..." or "J... C...!"
-> God's Name isn't even truly "God", "God" is a form of His Name, it is not the root, the source, but a substitute.

God's Name is unknown.

Remains: the Tetragrammaton of His Name - four consonants.

the pronunciation is lost.
observant Jews don't pronounce the Tetragrammaton, but write it down -> it's too sacred for common activities, even ordinary prayer
was pronounced by the High Priest on Yom Kippur when the Temple was still standing in Jerusalem
post destruction 70AD -> Tetragrammaton no longer pronounced

Jews substitute "Adonai" - "my Lord", "Elohim" - "God, "HaShem" - "The Name", "AdoShem" - Lord's Name.
God is holy and He is The Lord, they feared the misusage of it, for anyone who uttered it unworthily has blasphemed against His Name.
Knowing someone's name gives you a foot up, misusing it shows "ownership" and is completely disrespectful

In the Old Testament, the smallest act of disobedience and carelessness resulted in death.
Leviticus 10:1-3 (New Living Translation)

Leviticus 10

The Sin of Nadab and Abihu

Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu put coals of fire in their incense burners and sprinkled incense over them. In this way, they disobeyed the Lord by burning before him the wrong kind of fire, different than he had commanded. 2 So fire blazed forth from the Lord’s presence and burned them up, and they died there before the Lord.
3 Then Moses said to Aaron, “This is what the Lord meant when he said,

‘I will display my holiness
through those who come near me.
I will display my glory
before all the people.’”

And Aaron was silent.

Aaron's sons were careless in their preparation and sacrifices and were burnt by the fire of the Lord in His sight
Performing sacrifices - act of obedience, correct respect for God.
Disrespecting, dishonoring, being careless - profaning His name.

What else does Leviticus define as the profaning and misusing the Name of the Lord?

1. idolatry

Leviticus 20:2-3 (New Living Translation)
2 “Give the people of Israel these instructions, which apply both to native Israelites and to the foreigners living in Israel.

“If any of them offer their children as a sacrifice to Molech, they must be put to death. The people of the community must stone them to death. 3 I myself will turn against them and cut them off from the community, because they have defiled my sanctuary and profaned my holy name by offering their children to Molech..

2. not worshipping in the correct heart and spirit

Leviticus 22:2 (New Living Translation)

2 “Tell Aaron and his sons to be very careful with the sacred gifts that the Israelites set apart for me, so they do not profane my holy name. I am the Lord.

3. treating Him and His Name as common and ordinary - taking Him for less than what He is.

Leviticus 22:32 (New Living Translation)

32 Do not treat my holy name as common and ordinary, for I will display my holiness among the people of Israel. I am the Lord who makes you holy. 33 It was I who rescued you from the land of Egypt, that I might be your God. I am the Lord.”

When you misuse the name of the Lord, what you feel about God is reflected, your true heart towards God is shown.
Ultimately, misusing the Name of the Lord means that you are disrespecting, dishonoring, and mistreating Him, you are not loving the Lord you God with all your heart, soul, and mind.

I once heard this -> "If God is not the Lord of all, then He is not God at all."

Henceforth,

Isaiah 29:13-14 (New Living Translation)

13 And so the Lord says,
“These people say they are mine.
They honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
And their worship of me
is nothing but man-made rules learned by rote.[a]
14 Because of this, I will once again astound these hypocrites
with amazing wonders.
The wisdom of the wise will pass away,
and the intelligence of the intelligent will disappear.”

Footnotes:
Isaiah 29:13 Greek version reads Their worship is a farce, / for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God. Compare Mark 7:7.

Choose.

Continue proclaiming "Lord, Lord" yet acting in a way that is disrespectful and takes Him for granted, not obeying His Commandments -> Who is God to you?
Isaiah 66:1-4 (New Living Translation)

Isaiah 66

1 This is what the Lord says:

“Heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool.
Could you build me a temple as good as that?
Could you build me such a resting place?
2 My hands have made both heaven and earth;
they and everything in them are mine.[a]
I, the Lord, have spoken!

“I will bless those who have humble and contrite hearts,
who tremble at my word.
3 But those who choose their own ways—
delighting in their detestable sins—
will not have their offerings accepted.
When such people sacrifice a bull,
it is no more acceptable than a human sacrifice.
When they sacrifice a lamb,
it’s as though they had sacrificed a dog!
When they bring an offering of grain,
they might as well offer the blood of a pig.
When they burn frankincense,
it’s as if they had blessed an idol.
4 I will send them great trouble—
all the things they feared.
For when I called, they did not answer.
When I spoke, they did not listen.
They deliberately sinned before my very eyes
and chose to do what they know I despise.”
Deny the faith, and face eternal damnation
Romans 1:18-20 (New Living Translation)

God’s Anger at Sin

18 But God shows his anger from heaven against all sinful, wicked people who suppress the truth by their wickedness.[a] 19 They know the truth about God because he has made it obvious to them. 20 For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God.
Repent, believe, and have faith. Search for the Spirit.
Luke 11:9-10 (New Living Translation)

9 “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

John 4:23 (New Living Translation)

23 But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way.

(there are many other related passages, these are just a few.)

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whosoever believes in Him, will not perish, but have eternal life.

2009-07-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A VIOLIN PART FOR THIS!!! :DDD <333

i am so in love right now :P ^^ (: <3 :D

some of the stupidest things people blow up for no reason.

2009-07-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

1. The death of Michael Jackson

let the poor dude finally have his rest okay, seriously.

his life was one of the saddest things i've ever come across, i'm serious.

if i were a media bitch, i'd totally want to kill myself now.

seriously,

first him then britney spears?

who next?

they accuse these people of being mad, crazy, psychotic, mental.

ever guess who caused it?

WHO.

two lives spent in agony because of you.

stupid media.

stupid hollywood rubbish.

the guy was talented, and you dig up all the dirt about him and publish it to the world, making him seem like a horrible person when everyone is a sinner, and there's no point denying it.

who are we to criticize these people and look down on them and push them further into what they got a foot stuck into?

it's sad, really, very very sad. :(

super depressing.

it's not just the media.

2. H1N1

let's face it man, the world is fallen, and i read recently in exodus, that the reason why people got all these problems in their society (health, physical, psychological) was because they were not close to God and had begun committing idolatry against Him, they denied He who created all they live in and them. They didn't want Him and His love. so they chose a different path.

half of me is completely against politics and politicians, well modern day ones, because all they depend on and aim to do is make their country "better" as defined by human standards, and there is no God at all. the essence of humanism.

3. "Generation Gap"

come on, every generation has a "gap" because we are increasingly becoming more and more segregated.

children with children, youth with youth, adult with adult.

let a fool hang out with the wise please.

that's if the wise hung out with the wise of the previous generation. (i.e. children with their Godly parents - oh, hold on, are these parents actually godly to begin with?)

hold on, our society's against that, yes.

so it's a cycle, we hang out with people of our same maturity and all slowly mature.

literally, snail-like slowly.

compare please, you'll see.

oh, and another word, it's not becoming even harder, we're just drifting further and further from the source of all peace that transcends that of the world.

4. the blame of the unhappiness of singaporeans on themselves

are you sure it's us?

did we begin and structure the belief system that aims to be the best in the world only to be considered second class if attending a local university compared to an overseas one?

did we ^ paper work and rote memorization that it > application and understanding?

so it's our parents fault that we're so unhappy?

who's fault is it that our parents are unhappy?

who's fault is it?

5. underage this, shocking that, etc. etc.

ever heard of adverse effects?

laws are usually always broken.

people get curious of the crime because of the bizarrely strict law in the first place.

hence, its occurrence.

6. grades

"yes, i base my self-worth on a number."

thank you. =.=

sometimes i really wonder, why is it so hard for these to just be surrendered

what's with the self-sufficiency, and desire for total self-control?

welcome to ... oh you know what i'll say.

hahah nice one lex,

"the premature visionary"

no lah. more like the premature cynic. :/

If God is not the Lord of All, then He is not God at all.

Romans 10:9(NLT)

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

Jesus. Is. Lord.

(i.e. HE > everything else = complete submission to Him.)

freedom in His name.

Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to my people? Who will go for us?"

2009-07-14T00:51:00.000-07:00

And I said, "Lord, I’ll go! Send me."

one of the longest posts i've ever written just got deleted
by a stupid command+R button. ARGH ><>

oh, i was checking if Isaiah 6:8 was right, and i came across this:

Isaiah 40:6-8

6 A voice said, "Shout!"
I asked, "What should I shout?"

"Shout that people are like the grass.
Their beauty fades as quickly
as the flowers in a field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fade
beneath the breath of the LORD.
And so it is with people.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the word of our God stands forever."

Amen.

Take my life I lay it down
At the cross where I am found
All I have I give to You oh God

Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity
That I may walk in all You have for me

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be ever only for You oh God

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

Hallelujah, You have won the victory
Hallelujah, You have won it all for me

Death could not hold You down
You are the risen king

Seated in majesty
You are the risen king

a slow adaptation and regeneration.

2009-07-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

hahah i like this skin, but the message of it, for me, is not romantic.

but agape.

i've found the deep reason of why i feel so stressed out and out of it right now,

i'm not growing.

studies are going down because i'm reshifting my entire life to Christ.

it hurts.

i am at a stage where i'm, now what next?

mush.

growth.

spiritual growth.

i have decided upon the systematic study of Scripture from Genesis to Revelations.

may God keep me on His path and glorify Himself. and may His Spirit and Truth diminish me.

i want to be a hermit.

2009-06-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

out. out. out.

i feel like i'm being boxed up.

i hate this.

death by gradual suffocation.

I REFUSE. i refuse to conform to this bs system. i totally and completely declare my utmost hatred towards this abomination of structure and will not. will NOT. partake of it. i want out.

SCREW SCHOOL. really. i execrate the very heart of it. if it even has a heart.

why should i be forced through this simple-minded, savage, cruel splitting of academic wealth?

one that decides to glorify the créme de la créme and dump the rest?

it's barbaric. literally survival of the fittest.

where is the "civility" in dumping out those who do not wish to fill their brains with only numbers followed by numbers and information?

where is the heart?

there is none.

stone. cold.

come to think of it, if one's life is obsessed over it, devoted. de-vote-d. to it.

hah. idolatry.

in its finest.

i refuse. i protest.

i want out.

and all you can see is

2009-05-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

i feel horrible.
miserable. even.
maybe i reap what i sow.
or i just go with the flow - of what i screwed over.
i sound cheesy and in a corny way, i'm rhyming.
like whutthepong?

Brace myself and let go,
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don’t love you
They just love the hotel suites, now

I don’t care what you think
As long as it’s about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery

dependence.

2009-05-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

i have come to the conclusion that i am or have been jaded. with the help of some discernment from a fellow bukit timah-er :D hahah . yes. i am not tired physically.
mentally.

what lex said was right. i think too much. hahah! very bad tendency i have cultivated in myself.

as with the world, i depend on myself. it's called "self-sufficiency".
in the eyes of the world it is not simply just and right, but something to be of honour.

but, depend on your own strength and you screw over.
i have to look up.
stop thinking.
stop tiring myself out mentally.
depend.

and i will be complete in You.

2009-05-12T05:31:00.000-07:00

how can i keep from shouting Your praise,
i know i'm loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing.

why are there so many songs about You and I?
what about we? or us? or they?
most Christian songs, i mean.
why You fill me, and not You fill us?

i guess because it would make our words less meaningful, because it would be just like saying the pledge, or singing a nation's anthem - hardly anyone really means it.

yesterday had been really up and down for me,
i sat here, thinking of how He has blessed me, and how is really is here for me, like in Exodus, the way Caleb had expressed it - that He will see me through. will. for He is with "us"

wow. (:

lately i've been thinking, about some recent issues that stir this up in me,

that there is so much proof for the faith.

not just faith.

intelligent design and the "unending" questioning of man for the "meaning of life" points to Him.

the fact that none can fulfill but our Christ, our Lord, implies that each of us is made with a hole that only God can fill. that's why people always go "i feel so empty."

it's something we repeat over and over, but we don't do anything about.

again, the trend, talk > walk.

i guess it's just the way we are, you know.

without Him, we are nothing. - this is my ultimate favourite phrase, and my ultimate motto.

that He is my everything.

today i went for this seminar at hc about rights

and he said that rights, as in political rights, the laws and acts concerning rights were political tools to ensure that every man is treated fairly and just. that everyone is at least protected and given their basic right - to live, to have shelter, to consume (f&b-wise)
and he basically said that political rights came about because of religious wars, i.e. crusades, etc. but he kept saying it was because of religion. (he was talking of 16th-18th century western era)

it was because of religion that rights have to be established?

i beg to differ.

i believe it is because of "religious" wars that rights have been established. note: wars. w.a.r.s. focus is on that word.

whether Christianity is just a name or a behaviour is the question. whether a Muslim is "legally" a "Muslim" and actually practices Islam is a different story. same for Buddhism, and any other religion out there.

to me, the "religious" wars were proof. living proof of human nature.

that humanity chooses to focus more on it's pride, than on God.

say for the crusades and the seperation of the Catholics and Protestants, all are under the same God, and does it say in the new testament to go out and kill those against your "religion"? does it say to kill fellow Christians because they don't follow your laws? note : your. laws. your.

no, it says to love. it says to even love the one who persecutes you and say a prayer for them.

it says in John 14 even. i think it's 14. either that or 15. that 'by your love for each other, all the world should know that you are my disciples'. love.

so are these people really Christians? or are they pharisees using the name for glorification of their own laws and beliefs based on human logic and reasoning?

the question is rhetoric, the answer, obvious.

so don't tell me you don't want to be a Christians because they are farce. and hypocritical.

i say the wars were proof of the fact that humanity is fallen. all have sinned. humanity is flawed. and hence point to the need for a Saviour. that is The Christ.

without Him, we are all nothing but, dare i say, farce.

there is no meaning to this existence if He is out of the picture.

humanity can glorify itself for all it cares. too bad. (did you know, it is said in Romans 1 something about God tearing down human wisdom and showing itself how flawed it is? quite cool. i liked that.) you can work to be the --est in whatever you want, but what are you doing it for?

nothing. you're gonna "die" -in body- anyway.

which is why, Ιησούς είναι κύριοσ/Iesu Dominus (Jesus is The Lord). (Iēsous estin Kyrios - mentioned in that same paul washer sermon. the jews/christians said it to the roman soldiers who demanded allegiance to caesar.)

it reminds me of this Paul Washer sermon i found so very true. it was on evangelism

that humanity is centred on relativism (the belief that everything is relative), humanism (the glorification and uplifting of man on his own pedestal through technology and science, aka "logic"/intelligence) and pluralism (the belief that everything is right in its own sense)

that it is by the Spirit of God that a man is converted. not by human logic.

faith > reason.

another concept to keep track of.

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice--my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord.
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
And by faith, I will walk on, Lord
Then I`ll see beyond my calvary one day,
And I will be complete in..

I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears.

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And I pray I will hold on, Lord
Then I`ll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in
I will be complete in
I will be complete in You

fill my life again.

2009-05-11T06:52:00.000-07:00

status: unwilling, slacking, confused, and apathetic. all at once. a quarter motivated.

current prevalent thought(s):
"heheh. gonna grow bangs like keira knightley's in that really really old glamour issue when i used to read mags"
"meh. 70% of my grade is in sem 2, my term 2 has been screwed up (by syf) already. so should i even try?"
" 'three little birds, sat on my window, and they told me i didn't need to worry.' - i wish."

i am going to fail chinese tomorrow. i so know it.

we have to write some stupid bao dao.

i'm feeling so... caught up in the education system and dying to get out. i hate school. not because of the fact that i have to learn. but because of the lost meaning behind education. it's gone. and they're not doing anything about it.

education now is all about becoming the best in the world. not just the best that you can be.

yes, their speech differs, but they're lying. too bad. suck it up or emo in the corner with a spoon.

HAHAHAHAH.

what dry humour i have.

i choose the former. but my thoughts are on freedom.

freedom from overly OCD-ish structure.

freedom to learn on my own, and of my own preference, at a faster, better pace, where learning ≠ marks ≠ memorization ≠ something to get you to your future job, but where learning actually means something, and holds significance.

right here, right now (yes, HSM. o.o), not only in singapore, but in the world, learning = education = to develop well-informed, global citizens responsible to everyone else.

global. citizens.

global.

worldly.

i.e. into the world, into everything the world stands for.

where people chase after "youthful desires" (i.e. fame, fortune, reputation, glory, wealth, standing, "beauty", etc.)

where everything has become as secular as possible.

secular.

if we're not for Him, we're against Him.

choose.

so how is one to overcome this. man.

-and then i dream on.-

i dream of simplicity.

of not having to conform.

of retreating, and hiding out somewhere.

for me it's been the woods.

that is now officially the place i want to be.

that set in twilight was so tempting - in a good way. how to explain?

a good place to reflect, to be away.

away from it all.

a good place to ... how to say, come in.

ulu beaches are nice too.

i'd grab a dslr (if i had one) and take nice, gorgeous shots of the scenery in angles hardly seen.

i'd chill, pray, commune. all in His presence and His presence alone.

-wishes of escape-

i'm avoiding facebook. apparently, i have restrictions. oh well.

another quota to abide by.

screw worldly education.

we're not the robots who want to serve the world anymore.

go away.

hello, freedom.

in 9 school days, i will officially be free of a classroom, and free to learn my latin, and free to go to ulu parks in the morning, and free to do all the things i can't during the school term. like read my political philosophy book, and my fascist ideology, and my cultural history of europe.

mmmmmm.

oh, and sleep.

sleep.

i need sleep.

YES and i knowww i'm supposed to live FOR God, but if living for God conprises conforming to worldly ideals, i'm very much lost.

if living for God and glorifying Him through my results, means my putting to heart and conforming to becoming a citizen for the world, i don't want it.

i want to be educated, yes, but not to be a worldly, "global" citizen that holds accountability to everyone else, but to be a testimony for God.

and i guess, if i don't glorify Him through my results, then how am i to be one?

then it conflicts.

so, am i to overcome?

how so. tough, complicated, and micro-spective.

oh, great.

What i think of (now) when i listen to On
"look up the stars are fading, and i am still here waiting, to see you again, i miss you my friend": the stars - time, the good times. my friend - freedom.

"look out across the water, faces of lonely daughters and mothers who care, but just can't be there.": the water - reflection of society. can't be there - can't relate. well they can, but it's talk/thoughts > walk/action, maybe? i feel you, man.

"so i'm following the road to where you are, the streetlights, they will guide me to the stars.": the road to where you are - the Road to where You are. the streetlights - Your signs. the stars - the Heaven(s)

"i'll meet you tonight on top of the world, as real as it seems, you're only in my dreams.": you - freedom.

(WE = the decoy robots. ie.conformists who try so hard. yes, i may be one. i'm torn.)

"when our time is up, when our lives are done, will we say we've had our fun?" - highly unlikely to have.

"will we make a mark this time?" - probably not.

"will we always say we tried" - yeah. duh. who won't?

booosh.

2009-05-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

yesh so i'm getting up in about 5h from now, and i still have not completed much this weekend.

it's supposed to be "long". oh i wish.

ayyyyy i need to remember/do:

sunglasses

billboards

work work work

actually studyyyyy

ehmmmm lots of other things

oh, that and stop posting to do lists on my blog.

like o.o

anyways, so i read revelations again.

this time, the only thing i'm scared of is... the state of the world in that period.

i'm scared to imagine how cruel it'd be

like F451 except x100000000000000000000

humanity can never imagine.

okay i should finish the xt info pack first, then come back and post.

---

ooh crud now i have to finish editting the ppt.

oh and the billboards.

i have to "get up" in 3h. x.x yinyang i'm depending on you!

HAHAHAH.

---

alright. fine. i won't do a proper post tonight.

i'm so irritated.

still required to sit through formality after formality even with the knowledge of my busy schedule.

2h 30min of sleep? :/

nights guys.

and i quote my father, "Stalin? Why? He's a useless bugger."

2009-05-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

bondages.

familial.

status currently: pissed off and struggling.

during small group, we were again reminded of qt, maybe it was a wake up call to me?

something i should do, daily qt in the morning, not just before i sleep.

but then again, which crazy education system wakes their kids up at 6-ruddy-am in the inane (pre)morning?

oh wait, sounds like us, yeah, us.

yet we all subscribe to it.

i know, i've established that God put me here for a reason, but He never said it would be easy.

oh, don't we wish we could slap Adam with a fish right now. and Eve for that matter of fact.

mmmm, yummy gigantic salmons

yi ju liang de >:D

hahah

the wishful thoughts of a procrastinating potato.

always wishful, never to fulfill.

then again, it's how i see it right?

Singaporean culture has its pros and cons.

i guess it's just how He wants me to grow.

"refinement."

just this morning, everything seemed fine, awesome even.

worship was a total surrender

then we think,

how many of us can actually stay true to what we declare?

it's stupid.

everyone talks about this same topic and here i am, affirming its genuineness

the fact that talk and walk are separate, and we're supposed to walk > talk.

stupid right.

that's why theory is so different from action.

you can plan all day and say there's a theory behind everything, but when emotions are involved are you going to act on what you've planned out in your theory?

when circumstances change, and people react differently from your theory, your robotic flaws are displayed.

our culture wants robots, it's so obvious, and i'm not the first to declare this.

it's an established fact.

but maybe that's the big flaw.

do we want Fahrenheit 451-esque robots who end up not even knowing they're depressed on the inside and so numb to violence and absorption (mental)?

seems that's the way we're headed

maybe that's why we're supposed to have a second coming.

'scuse me, Second Coming.

coz we rely so much on "humanity" ("oh glorious humanity") and glorify it so much

we forget that we fail; we fail to live out what we desire because our desires are filthy.

then again, Romans (the book luh.). remember Romans.

how many people actually believe His Word?

our social circles are filled with people who we think do,

but see, we probably know 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of mankind.

so what if your facebook says you know 600 people? (this for someone who keeps telling me his social circle is bigger than mine - so what?)

It's coming.

He's coming.

and we can only wait.

in the mean time, i shall try... heck wait, when i say i shall try, i'm relying on myself.

when i'm supposed to rely on Him.

even our linguistic phrases are based on humanism. how awesome.

so no, adam khoo, i will not do my best.

i will not even try.

i will depend.

depend on who? i think we all know.

-------

This is my prayer in the desert

when all that's within me feels dry

this is my prayer in my hunger and need

my God is the God who provides

this is my prayer in the fire

in weakness or trial or pain

there is a faith proved of more worth than gold

so refine me Lord through the flame

and i will bring praise

i will bring praise

no weapon formed against me shall remain

i will rejoice

i will declare

God is my victory and He is here

this is my prayer in the battle

when triumph is still on its way

i am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

so firm on His promise i'll stand

i will bring praise

no weapon formed against me shall remain

i will rejoice

i will declare

God is my victory and He is here

all of my life

in every season

You are still God

i have a reason to sing

i have a reason to worship

this is my prayer in the harvest

when favour and providence flow

i know i'm filled to be emptied again

the seed i've received i must sow.

2009-04-27T00:45:00.001-07:00

Come Holy Spirit,

fall on me now,

i need Your anointing,

come in Your power.

I love You, Holy Spirit,

You're captivating my soul,

and everyday I grow to love You more.

I'm reaching for Your heart,

You hold my life in Your hands,

drawing me closer to You,

i feel Your power renew,

Nothing compares to this place,

where i can see You face to face,

i worship You, in Spirit and in truth.

#4

2009-04-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of
infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately
important.

-- C. S. Lewis

Same goes with the bible verse about how if you must either be for or against Christ no?

there is no lukewarm.

Rain.

2009-04-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

EL COMPO 7th April '09.

the one i said i would post.

I watch you intensely, you form from nowhere, magically created out of the empty vacuum we label air and sky. They say you are water vapour, condensed and heavy, pulled down, as all things must be, by gravity - your invisible chain that ties you to the ground without any hope of return to your former freedom, as it so obviously seems.

My attempts to mimic your beautiful dance, your fall from grace, succeed, yet I fall short of your glorious standard. You push all blame to the ground and try to punish it, slapping it tightly out of rage the moment you see its face - the torturous monstrosity that chained you down.

May i drench myself in your sheltering mask, that my rendition of your music may be covered in your constant pulse that soaks me, and hides the reality that is shunned.

You see, both you and I agree on this point, society sees only what it wants. You are a sign of prevailing danger, of a storm, an oncoming trial and time of danger. At the sight of you, we hide within glorified shelters we erect for ourselves, our "territories". We refuse to step into your presence and embrace your magnificent beauty, your fine art and wondrous melody. That's what we are, cowards. This is a manifestation of our attitudes, a glimpse of our true selves, wimps.

So today, may I step out in pure courage and faith, embracing you as an innocent child does his dear mother, hugging her tight at her knees in affection. I wish to wait out for you as you paint violently on your enormous earthly canvas, anticipating the marvelous artpiece that results. Your composition that may appear rash and senseless at its writing, whose messiness evolves into its calm beauty - white light split into amazing seven.

In hope I walk in you and look forward, and my heart pounds wildly to your repetitive, clear thumps, like a dancer to a latino pop beat.

I shall wait with you and fight this Trojan war, my Roman helmet tightly securing me and my sword raised to the enemy. Let us fight bravely for the prize that all may want but few are given - a new chance at reality, a new day, a new face. After this tribulation that drops inevitably on our shoulders, we wait to rise back to the heavens, free from the burdens that weighed us to the ground. To freedom.

-----

when i was writing this, my mind was thinking of Christ, and of trials.

it is said in the bible and by many - a common established truth, that trials are strengthenings of character, so Christ is the end all and be all, the ultimate goal. He is the masterpiece created at the end, or in fact... perhaps salvation is the masterpiece, and He is part of the harsh, messy, senseless composition - Calvary.

Half of me was also thinking of the rain as a mask, a mask to the truth, reality - in the sense that... you know the emo phrase, "I cry in the rain because it hides my tears"?

yeah.. now i think about it... we can walk in God for he doesn't hide our "tears", but solves them and gives comfort. He wipes them off and exchanges them.

you know that Good Friday it rained, the first time my friend told me about it always raining at 12noon Jerusalem time (4pm sing.), i wanted to catch the rain, and walk in it.

I wanted to soak in it. Drench myself.

Someday i will.

maybe next year i shall set it aside, and next years will be a lot more focused. on Him.

I am falling to my knees,

I need You, Lord, to breathe in me,

my prayer is still the same,

my heart is calling out Your name.

well, life sucks. that's why I give mine to Christ. so He can make it awesome:D <3

2009-04-09T06:58:00.000-07:00

the one word on my mind today: Grudges.

it's sucky. don't you just hate being judged? i know i do.

but then again, i do judge others as well.. hmm..

ah, but i tend to try to look at the bright side. for one, i found mrs ng in sec 1 philo very engaging, and the best teacher in the whole of MG.

which is why i fear when ms cheng leaves... oh no, that philo in mg would die again.

the best most awesome subject in the entire schedule, GONEEEE :(

i hope we get mrs ng. {kill me, i'm sadistic, but it's true, she's good :D probably the only one (other than ms cheng) in MG who can teach philo. properly.}

on another note, it appears my writing style is poetic prose.

similar to the form of ray bradbury in Fahrenheit 451, i noted.

hmmm... (: sounds good.

lahdilahh, i did a personification of rain. i talked about how i was being sad, and that it was coincidentally raining.. and about holding through the storm to appreciate the beautiful rainbow that would form after.. (:

i shall put it up if i deem it worthy (:

actually, it was pretty much inspired by.. God. i guess, for me it was a reflection of trials in life. the rainbow preceding the violent composition of music. henceforth, i do mean of holding through with God in heart and looking forward, forgetting what's behind.

lahdilahh, i'll put it up (:

i like it.

then again, something else that has been bothering me today?

the beginning of the first paragraph of this post.

i for one hate being judged. :( it's a sad reality, sometimes it makes me wish i was a robot. which would eliminate emotions. and not only secure my indifference, but also my studies, for then i would need less rest, i'd just have to plug myself in and keep working through the night, burning the midnight oil.

it pretty much ties in with this morning's devotions, about how God is erasing every sin we do for those in Christ Jesus, for those who have entrusted Him with their lives, and love Him.

there's this chapter in John that keeps emphasizing, "If you love me, obey my commandments"

then there's this part in one of the later books of the new testament that has this verse about... (JAMES! yes!) "faith without works is dead" something like that.

I guess, faith, hope and love (as mentioned in 1 Cor?) do stand through everything.

as this year's Fusion theme went, we love our God (:

and I guess everyone's pointing it out to me, everywhere, love is all that matters.

and God is love. which is why i believe, if Christ is put first out of your love for Him, everything else will fall into place..

I look around me in my own methodist school, and i wonder how many truly love God.. maybe they once did, but we're all brought up in Christian families, sometimes Christianity becomes too much a religion than a relationship. I wonder, why pursue the creation, instead of the Creator? why pursue the theology (His theories), instead of the Origin (Him.)?

one of my friends, she used to seem so close to God to me, in fact, she seemed the most close to Him in my class to me at one point... and now, i wonder if she ever was. has she bought into the worldly glory of knowledge of God, than the godly love of Christ?

even my nonChristian friend can see right through her.

it's a sad reality,

and i'm reminded, we are only human.

anyway, back to the point on grudges..

hmm.. letsee, well i put it that because of our human nature - our natural "aptitude" for pride, or vanity, for both sometimes, sometimes, well maybe usually, couple each other - when we judge, we seek to put ourselves, or see ourselves as better than someone else.

i for one feel that i have been forgiven for the tiny slip of mind, to which i had no ill intentions, yet i am still looked upon as "rash, impulsive, stupid, immature". all because of one word.

and i am judged for being concerned for the welfare of my subject (i am the rep. hello.) in the hands of someone i may not trust - if we don't get mrs ng, i tell you i will... wallow in devastation and despair - and appear, still immature, as, what they call, testing the depth of the ocean. how low i can scuba dive until i run into a shark. or how deep in i can swim to search for that hidden temple beneath the waters, only to find it booby trapped throughout, and run out before my death, slashing my thigh with a knife and hitching a ride on a shark to civilization. (anyone watch tomb raider? :D heheh <3

then again, why do i care?

i should be seeking the praise of Him above, than worldly praise.

it's a verse in John. (near the front, a prophecy about "their hearts were hardened so they cannot let me heal them" and something like for those who did listen, some "desired human praise" more and hence turned away)

yes yes. ahh i see the loophole in my personality.

being human sucks. it comes with a sinful nature. and a prideful one in fact.

yet in Christ, my sinful nature has passed away, and i have gained new life.

for my sinful nature died on the cross and i have risen anew with Christ.

this is in Romans.

I link back again to love.

for from what we have learnt in wesley, grace + faith = salvation and good works,

may i suggest that it's not enough to just say you have faith and have that result in good works as a natural compulsion.

everyone says that faith is proclaiming the Lordship of Christ, and believing it in your heart

but may i suggest that faith also comprises a deep love for God. for if you love someone, surely you will do something for them.

just like how my mother loves me so much, she sometimes gets too concerned for me, but that's her way of expressing it, i guess.

the word "faith" comes from fides in latin, confidence, belief.

it means to have complete trust and confidence in ___ (someone/thing)___

so to have complete trust, or rather, in order for me to trust God with all my heart, soul and life - my goals, my ambitions, my desires, my plans - i have to love Him completely. is this not true? for why should i surrender to Him if i don't love Him?

and as we learn at wesley, surrender, in general, can be classified into 4 different aspects we should surrender, just like the few verses in phillipians about Christ surrendering those aspects for ... i shall go look it up, and post about it.

so yes, the four aspects to be surrendered: 1. my judgements (in exchange for His POV), 2. my ambitions (for His will) 3. my rights (for His righteousness) 4. my reputation (for His glory)

so by surrendering these, i guess my issues have been resolved.

1. my hatred for human judgement - for which i exchange for God's POV

2. my uncertainty of being in the SG edu sys - thanks to eunice, jon and ben for the advice (:

i guess, there is also this verse in Luke about, to whom much is given, much is expected?

and i guess i'll just have to do my best, rely on His strength, to pull through this crapload of the education system.. and glorify Him.

3. may His glory shine through me, i guess i have to give up on some worldly rights in order to shine His light even brighter..

4. you know the songs, All Day by Hillsong United and Running After You by... this i am unsure, right now i think it's Planetshakers..

yes, anyway,

"I don't care what they say about me, it's alright, it's alright,

I don't care what they think about me, it's alright, they'll get it one day.

Coz I love You, I'll follow You, You are my, my life.

I will read my bible and pray, and I will follow You all day."

"Your Word is a light unto my path,

Your love guides me through my darkest night,

and even though sometimes Your ways i cannot understand,

i'll never walk away because my future's in Your hands.

I don't care what people will say,

I'm running after You,

I won't turn back and go their way,

I'm running after You."

Glory to God in the Highest,

Power and strength to Your name,

Heaven and earth will proclaim You Lord of all,

Blessed be Your name.

<3

2009-04-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

Righteous
Ruler of the heavens
Holy, holy our God

Sovereign
Lord of all creation
Holy, holy our God

Every tribe and tongue
Lift your voice as one
He is greatly to be praised

Sing to the Lord
Oh my soul
Let the heavens
Shout for joy
Great is our God
Great is our God

Nations come and
Bow before Him
Holy, holy our God

Angels sing
Now and forever
Holy, holy our God

The heavens shall declare
The glory of our great God

Jesus
Come let us adore Him
Holy, holy our God

don't we all?

2009-03-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

i hate school.

i don't see the point in wasting my life in an asylum meant to brainwash me into a moneymaking machine. for the love of money is the root of all evil.

education has lost its meaning.

yeah, school = education = meaning.

but when school = regurgitation, there is no meaning.

there is no education.

because, this way, i = robot. and robot = no emotions.

not happy, go die luh, not like anyone else will give a damn.

yeah, people will get shocked, like what happened at NTU, but will they truly care?

no.

i don't see the point in being "enriched" in curves and equations, when not everything is logical, and not everything can be planned, just like your math equation is.

or studying what in the world goes on in an atom and how to measure its mass, can i say anal?

heck, what do you need to know which tissue makes up your duodenum? not like you're gonna rip it up right?

heck, if i had my way, i would be somewhere else, embracing life.

but welcome to reality. it sucks.

without your little paper that has someone else's signature on it, you're looked down on and you won't make a name for yourself.

then again, do i need to make a name for myself?

if all glory is to God, then i shouldn't be desiring a position in society.

that's why it's so hard,

so conflicting.

which is why someone dumb like me gets muddleheaded.

and giving up.

.

2009-03-31T04:36:00.001-07:00

i want a miracle.

0.0

2009-03-26T04:22:00.001-07:00

gosh i feel so old.

my sister once told me i was a real-life serena.

2009-03-26T03:42:00.000-07:00

i'm still trying to figure out what happened to me. and whether that's for better or worse.

lahdidahhh.

i have a feverrr

6am - 38.0

12pm - 36.9

2pm - 36.9

4pm - 37.4

6.30pm -37.8

i'm wondering if i'll be well enough to go to school tomorrow :/

the guai half of me wants to and the other half is like, heck care luh.

i realize how behind i am, i listen to songs that are around... 2 years old? 3 years?

i'm still listening to maroon 5's it won't be soon before long*.

and yes i realize that the lyrics are very... carnal.

i bet you jt's justified* is around 8 years old, and shakira's oral fijacion* is around 5 years old? but mmm.. damn sexaye. (;

HAHAH. oh dear.. ><0;X

hence the first line of what i'm writing right now.

ryan cabrera's take it all away* is definitely 5 years old.

and right now i'm kinda listening only to hillsong and planetshakers. oh dear goodness, it sounds too guai/so loser. :X i don't know luhh.

i guess what i listen to just influences me a lot. very much a lot.

still trying to configure the "be myself" setting on my computer. -> this is a metaphor, in case you're just a little slow up there ;P

* - albums, not songs.

stability.

2009-03-23T07:09:00.000-07:00

something i need to maintain right now.

i need to chill.

#3

2009-03-22T16:14:00.001-07:00

I wonder which would be more worth it:
Working your ass off, nearly killing yourself with all the stress, and achieving extremely high, only to end up in a world that is, though not obviously, torn apart and full of drama, shit and stress
Or not stretching yourself so crazily, being average, and ending up in a relatively peaceful situation, and being happy?

I hate school.

>< screwed

2009-03-22T10:44:00.001-07:00

As an undeserving human, I definitely have my weak points.
Let's see,
1. I have extremely high expectations of myself, which then probably gives allusion to my pride. Yes, I believe myself better, I shall admit.
2. Hmm let's just say, I'm so direct and impulsive, my emotions sometimes drive my actions, I tend to do or say things without thinking first.
3. Ahh now this one, big problem, I prioritize such that it is even above school work. It's probably my greatest weakness, but I shan't expose it online.
4. I worry. Too much.
5. My sleep cycle is so screwed.
6. I'm having a very hard time dealing with others' judgements of me. - I'm limited.

Now you wonder, why the heck is she telling the world this?
1. I need prayer support - these three are hindering me very much. Especially the third.
2. I'm only human, I don't believe there's such a thing as a better Christian, and I'd really like it for someone to point out obstacles in my faith in a nice, direct way. And not out of spite like, "oh she's so holy. How can she do this sorta thing." -> holy? Me? Siao. All I am is saved. A saved sinner, trying hard to fall deeper in love with He who saved me.
3. I feel like I'm falling backwards. As in I want to go closer, but I'm slowly getting further, and I hate that.
4. To me, if Christ is back in place in my life, everything else will be pieced together by Him.
5. I need help in following up for this morning's service.

So please pray for me,
pray that whatever limits on my faith will be broken and taken away. Pray that my biggest weakness will be diminished an even vanquished by an overwhelming love for God and a filling of His Spirit. Pray that He will fill my life again and become my first priority. My only raison d'être. Please? (:

Ohoh, and my wall is open to any prayer requests, you can make it anonymous, or even msn me, fb msg me, sms me, anything(: I'm open to listen anytime, 24/7

Gosh I sound like I'm advertising for some shop or service or something! Hahah.

There's freedom in the name of Jesus,
Freedom from all shame
Freedom from all pain
Freedom from all sin
Freedom in the name of Jesus

-------
You alone are great in power
You alone are my strong tower
And I will lift my heart and soul to worship You alone.

And I will follow after You
For You are my desire, oh Jesus
My heart belongs to You

Your Name

2009-03-21T17:03:00.001-07:00

As morning dawns and evening fades,
You inspire songs of praise,
That rise from earth to touch Your heart,
And glorify Your name.

Lord, I surrender this worry, this anger, this fatigue, and this pain to You, I put it all in Your hands and I pray You straighten out the path before me.
Lord, I thank You for yet another day in Your presence, I pray it be filled with Your presence, Lord, and Your name be glorified, Jesus.
May my praise and worship rise and touch Your heart, Lord Jesus, God Almighty.
Jesus, please take my sin, and give me clean hands and a pure heart, a soul that will never lift to another, Lord, I trade these ashes in for beauty, in Your name, Lord Jesus, please, fill me again with Your love and Your Spirit, Lord, I surrender.
I thank You so so much,
I love You, Jesus,
In Your most holy and precious name I pray earnestly, Jesus,
Amen.

Isaiah 26:7
"But for those who are righteous, the path us not steep and rough. You are a God of justice, and you smooth out the road ahead of them."

#2

2009-03-19T05:26:00.001-07:00

I wonder which is more taxing,
Drama syf? {Where "homework" is also included}
Or a sports group's nationals? {where they train (usually) only during training}

#1

2009-03-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

I wonder which is more important?

How good the song is or how much God's hands work through it?

Nothing But The Blood

2009-03-18T20:35:00.001-07:00

What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

So I put my iphone on shuffle and this song comes on, and it hits a switch somewhere deep inside. I reminisce a scene last year on the bus back from our ROCs trip to Ipoh. Goes like this:
I was sitting next to Jelly
I'm listening to hillsong, this new album my mom got for me - she thought I'd love it - I Heart Revolution. Yeah, I loved it! Hahah ;D duh, who wouldn't?
Jelly's listening to.. hmmm regina spektor? And grindhouse.
We're both singing the songs out loud in the darkness on the bus, oblivious to everything surrounding.
So this song comes on, and yeah, I'm singing it -not horribly I hope.. hahah- and out of nowhere, I start tearing, crying, and I'm feeling so broken inside -at least if I can recall correctly... coz it's either that or I didn't know why I was crying.. hahah well should be the former..- I felt like I'd shattered to bits.
Jelly wraps an arm around me, don't think she gets what just happened, she probably thinks I was being weird.
And I realize, nearly 6 months later that perhaps it was the Spirit of God, working in His own miraculous ways. To think it happened outside of a Christian environment. On a bus. In the darkness.
Whoa.
Praise Him.
I'm amazed.

Probably awestruck because I for one am pretty much new to this sorta thing? That was probably one of my firsts? Hahah I can't remember, maybe my memory's bad.
Oh, but He has taken me straight in. And there'll definitely be more(:

-------
We wanna see Your face
We wanna know Your ways
Come to us, Lord
We want You
More than this world
More than our way
Your way is higher
Your thoughts are higher

Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
That's what You are.

I just want You, Jesus

2009-03-18T08:06:00.001-07:00

More than a nice melody
More than the sweetest of words
This is the love I have found
And with this love I am found

I just want You, Jesus
I just want You, my Lord
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You

Never could I comprehend
The live you so freely give
Never could I be with you
But Your love covers all of my sin

There is no greater love than Yours
Nothing else could ever compare
And even if I search all the world
I will never find a love like Yours

I just want You, Jesus
I just want You, my Lord
I just want You, Jesus
Oh, I just want You.

Your love and grace, you pick me up and hold me, you alone are holy.

2009-03-18T07:58:00.001-07:00

For You alone are my desire,
You have set my heart on fire,
And I will lift my heart and soul to worship You alone,
Worship You alone.
-------

I've always wanted someone who would drop everything to just be with me, talk, and listen.
Someone who would stop judging me (even never judge me), who'd love me exactly for who I am.
Now I laugh foolishly at the fact that I've been looking in all the wrong places. Haha. Stupidhead.
Look up.
Let go.
Let God.
The One who loves.
Forever and always.

-------
Your faithfulness never fails,
Your faithfulness, everyday you're the same.

And I will follow after You
For You are my desire,
Oh Jesus, my heart belongs to You

Saviour, Redeemer, You are God

2009-03-10T04:21:00.000-07:00

Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty,

And wear forgiveness like a crown.

Coming to kiss the feet of mercy,

I lay every burden down,

At the foot of the cross.

Well, you see the Bible talks of human wisdom being foolish (Isa 29:14) and here we are living for humanism. For the glorification of what humans believe is right.

The education system moots competition and gives rise to elitism, this is very evident, it's innate. Human pride is something we, as sinful people, are born with, but whether we intend to live it through is a different story.

So yeah it is a test, the education system is a very strong test of what one will believe.

It's something like the pharisees who studied the Bible till it became dry and emotionless, yet people bring it home and for some, it comes alive. Heck, people even spend their lives on it. (hello, albert einstein? aristotle? isaac newton, and their group of scientific comrades - i say this in a completely lighthearted tone) That forms the idolatry of science, information and humanism. Could we then say that this is our modern day Baal? Because by investing your entire life and energy in it (for some, grades and marks are everything. "we have no life outside of school"), are you not worshipping it?

However, in Singapore, the system is only compulsory till the age of 12.

Socially, you would be forced to take it up to jc (and hence uni) or poly.

But you see, all this is of this world. It is the work in this world.

So where does a Christian fit in? Heck, where does God Himself fit in?

Unless you mean that God does see the heart, and you're studying to glorify Him, but how exactly does memorizing human wisdom and agreeing with it, hence glorifying and promoting it(Humanism), glorify God?

How does studying about evolution and learning to regurgitate it fit in with God?

How do fame, self-glorification and high scores based on human standards fit in with God?

That's the gigantic contradiction which I do not comprehend.

Jesus, Beautiful Saviour.

2009-03-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe I am still in love with this song.

Since the first time I heard it, it's been stuck in my head.

Well actually no, i heard it at retreat.. but it only got -pretty much- permenantly stuck since the moment i watched the youtube vid.. hmmm.. when was that?
2 weeks before i led chapel with shannon and the sec 2s.. i think it was in January! :O
whoa. hmmm.. i think we led on Feb 1st.. so 2 weeks before would be... 17th.
that's about 2 - (17/31) months ^^ HAHAH math.
just had math.

and the first time i watched it, i was so filled by His Spirit i can't believe it.
I think it was one of the first times i could have a near-tear experience at home. out of camp, and out of church. whoa. praise Him man.
i really look up to henry seeley actually, i think his writing is really good, must be his Godsent gift?

i'll tell you more about how the song moved me some other time, because me thinks the time has not yet come. but for now:

you know what i really don't understand, what i find really hard to grasp
i dont get how studying hard, topping the class and getting into somewhere like cambridge/harvard would be to His glory.
other than the fact that people would probably find you more credible when speaking of the Gospel, and see your testimony, that God can be in studies as well but
1. isn't that conforming to the ideals of this world?
- by achieving material "prosperity" and "success" (and fame and recognition by the world) wouldn't that make you more vulnerable to it? aren't you supposed to hate the world and not be of it?
- the world denies Christ, and pursues material "success" and hence by conforming to the ideals, aren't you agreeing with what the world is doing?
- we are made new and not of the world, our old sinful selves are destroyed and we are not to live like the world or in the world but it is only our temporary 'house' - i say house because our home is to be heaven - so why are we conforming to the ideals?
2. if we live for God shouldn't we be focused on Him?
- in the process of education, we are forced to be able to regurgitate answers that glorify humans, that put humans above other humans and sometimes above and neglecting God, they say there is power in words, so in this brainwashing process, aren't we made more vulnerable and aren't we not being focused on His Word?
- what the world teaches highly contradicts what the Bible teaches, wouldn't that make a Christian more vulnerable to swaying and losing track?

Now i think about it... perhaps it's a test. A test of how much we can hold on to Him without being affected with what we are forced to do.
But you see, topping the class and going to an ivy is not something forced, albeit pressured, so where does that fit in?